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02 Feb 2006

Suicidal
All my life I have suffered from depression and I try to think what could have caused this. I have had my share of bad luck was raped by my boyfriends father in Matric and never went for couciling. Recently.. I have been seeing a married man we work at the same comapny) for a year and a half and a few weeks ago someone had sent a mail to his wife telling her about our affair. As luck would have it I was blamed for the mail. And there was even a printout showing that I was on the website that day. And I was so afraid of loosing him I said to him I did it. But I did not do it. It has been three weeks since we last spoke and everyday I want to go to him and talk to him but he said he hated me and that I was unstable. On the day of the fight I took a scissor and started cutting myself he saw it as seeking attention and therfore called me unstable which really hurt because it made me think am I unstable and all I could answer myself was yes I am. He left that day and my whole world fell apart. That evening I drank and overdose of sleeping pills and anti depressants. When I woke up in hospital I was not happy and as I am sitting here I am planning how to get more pills so that I can finish what I did. How do you live with something you did not do how do you try and talk to someone but they will not listen... I am hanging on my last life line I can feel it inside. I see him everyday and it is hard. How do I stop myself from doing it again...
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Depression obviously can be related to sad and unpleasant events in one's life, but it is basically directly caused by imbalances in the brain chemistry which can arise entirely spontaneously and with no imaginable external cause. It is also caused by persistent habits of negative thought, and these ( which respond to CBT counselling ) are I think more often related to the unpleasant events in our lives.
So you need and deserve a proper assessment from a good local shrink, and advice on treatment, preferably CBT and perhaps also an antidepressant medication. But don't let yopurself be so vulnerable to other hurts in life. Relationships with a married man almost always end in grief. Whoever sent whatever message, this was bound to end badly, and its as well that it be over, and that you move on towards more promising relationships with people free to remain your friend, rather than just using you and exploiting you. You are VERY much better off without him in your life. Stop hurting and damaging yourself --- he doesn't deserve it. He was happy to cheat on his wife, and would be happy to do the same to you ; and his horrible responses to your unhappiness shows that he's an unpleasant person you are well rid of.
Call Lifeline and talk to them ; and see a good local counsellor and work through and get beyond this. Leave him behind and move on. He is not worth your concern, and you certainly should never give so much power over your happiness and health, even of your life, to anyone else, let alone a man like that.
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