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23 Feb 2010

i think im depressed, im pregnant with baby number 2, and im a stay at home mum at 23, i hate it, my husband told me that he doesnt have a reason to come home anymore, so he stays out late, even till 9am the very next day, i have trust issues i dont trust anybody, not even my own mother, i think about ways to kill myself at least three times a day, and i dont understand why. i should be happy, my mum just agreed to pay my tuition so that i can go back to school and thats what ive always wanted, but im not happy. i fought badly with my husband today, it got physical. we did it infront of our daughter, she is showing signs of being affected, because she does some of the things she saw us do, she pushes me, pulls my hair, hits me, she tells her father to go away, while pushing or hitting his neck. i dont want my marriage to be over and yet it fels like it is, i feel like he hates me. how do i explain that i dont kiss him wen he gets home everyday because i have issues with affection, i try so hard to be affectionate with my daughter but it makes me uncomfortable sometimes, do you think my trust issues have to do with my childhood? i watched my step dad beat up my mother and he still cheats on her after 19 years of marriage , he was abusive to us kids too, he showed more affection to his biological kids than to me, and he still does, even though he doesnt know that i found out that he isnt my bio dad, my mum lied to me all my life, i only found out about my biological dad in 2005, and he wants a dna test, ive tried to hate him but i cant, he is so nice, and i wish i had the money to do the test. i fel like ive messed up my life time and time again, i dont want to be a murderer and that and the thought that my first born could grow up with issues if she grew up knowing her mum killed herself sometimes stops me from popping pills, but i also dont want her to grow up without her daddy, and it looks like my marriage is over, because of me, ive turned him into a monster. i think about suicide everyday, i dont know what to do, i cant afford to see a shrink, i live in lesotho left my family in south africa when i eloped to be with my husband. im 21 weeks pregnant i shouldnt fel like this! im seeing my husband tomorrow, i wish i could explain why i act the way i do, but i cant, because i dont know why, i love him and i dont want to lose him, at the same time i think he deserves better than me. i cant stop thinking about suicide please help me, i feel so alone.
Answer 396 views

01 Jan 0001

I'm really sorry to hear this. YOur husband is behaving like a bum. He can't think of any reason to come home ? Like being a husband to his wife, and a father to his child ? Please don't harm yourslf - too many other people have harmed you already, and you deserve much more and much better than that. And don't blame yourself - there seem to have been so many people in your life who have not done their duty towards you, and who ought to blame themselves, but don't. It's not your fault that some other people, important to you, have proved themselves to be rotten or inadequate.
You sound as though, amongst everything else, you are probably severely depressed, a condition that can be greatly helped, if you can get the right help. If you can't afford to see a psychiatrist privately, you should be able to receive help through gopvernment hospitals and clinics. I don't know the health services in Lesotho, but I know that would be the case in South Africa - if you go to a hospital or clinic and explain clearly how awful you feel, and ask for help for depression, they should arrange for you to see a suitable doc who can assess you and get some treatment started. Similarly, perhaps in association with a church, you may be able to see someone for counselling, to be able to talk through the problems you face.
If there is a branch of an organization like POWA< which helps abused women, they should also be able to help.
YOU did NOT turn your husband into a monster - he turned out to be inadequate for his responsibilities. Your child will grow up much better without an inadequate and abusive father than with someone behaving like that in her life.
And folks, the lights here are about to go off, so I'll have to sign off for today - see you tomorrow.

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