Ask an expert

02 Nov 2007

totally friendless
I'm a white male in my thirties and have found myself in the situation where I have no friends whatsoever. I've always been a loner and even in high school I only had a couple of friends (both of whom are long since dead, having died of seperate medical conditions whilst still in their teens). Oddly enough, I did okay in primary school, but since high school it seems I've, for some reason, withdrawn into myself. I was, admittably, a geek usually with my nose in a book and, to be honest, I never really sought out others' company much; certainly, noone really sought out mine. Perhaps, it was the loss of my friends (one of whom suffered from cancer for a few years before his death), but if I'm to be honest, I suspect the main reason in that I just never really fitted in.
Even at varsity I only had one or two friends, but we've long since drifted apart. A further feature of my problem is that, despite my age, I've never had a girlfriend. Its not that I'm gay, its just that I've never been comfortable socializing with anyone, male or female. In fact, even if I was gay, it wouldn't have made a difference; I'd still be in danger of becoming a fyov.
The thing is that lately I've been feeling more and more lonely and depressed. Actually, I always have, but somehow, I've always managed to ignore the problem (usually by sticking my face in a book and just not thinking about it). Clearly this was a stupid, bad mistake on my part, because now its bugging me more and more.
And I don't know what to do about it. I've joined a club, but even with people of similar interests, I still find myself unable to communicate with them, unless someone initiates a conversation first, which doesn't happen much and makes me wonder if I'm inadvertently putting out vibes that put people off. Christ knows, I'm not doing it intentionally but I must be doing it nonetheless.
I would be grateful if you could give me some advice as to how I can get out of this mess I've sunk myself in. I feel like I've screwed up the last 25 years of my life and I don't want to do it to the next 25 or more.
Just a final question. Even if by some miracle I ever do manage to score a girlfriend, how the f... do I confess that I've never had sex without coming across as a complete freak and loser? Should I just lie or try dodge the question somehow? I fear the truth would probably send her packing. I'm not even sure, I'd blame her.
Any advice would be be appreciated.
Answer 589 views

01 Jan 0001

Whatever else has been happening, it sounds as though you have really low self-esteem and self-confidence, although it is equally clear that you\re a nice and decent guy, the soprt many women out there, and men who would be friends, are hoping to meet. I'd suggest you seek counselling of the CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) variety, to work on increasing self-esteem and confidence, and this could work to counteract all those negative ideas you have about yourself, and could include experimentally trying out different ways to meet people and develop comfort in social situations, as there seems to be an element of social anxiety disorder here, too. I' ve no doubt that you are capable of achieving a considerable transformation, if you find the right shrink to work with, and if you persist at the tasks.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
A Section 89 panel headed by former chief justice Sandile Ngcobo found President Cyril Ramaphosa has an impeachable case to answer on the Phala Phala scandal.
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Ramaphosa should do the honourable thing and immediately resign.
22% - 2072 votes
Ramaphosa should follow due process and submit himself to an impeachment hearing.
30% - 2796 votes
Ramaphosa should fight the findings in court and keep his job at all costs
48% - 4524 votes
Rand - Dollar
Rand - Pound
Rand - Euro
Rand - Aus dollar
Rand - Yen
Brent Crude
Top 40
All Share
Resource 10
Industrial 25
Financial 15
All JSE data delayed by at least 15 minutes Iress logo
Editorial feedback and complaints

Contact the public editor with feedback for our journalists, complaints, queries or suggestions about articles on News24.