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03 Feb 2010

Two men
Dear Cyber Shrink

I know you dont approve of more than one partner, but I would appreciate some serious open minded advice.

I have been married for 15 years to a good man, but I am very understimulated in our relationship on some levels. Eg since the start of our marraige I have been longing for adult, philosophical types of conversation about life and emotions. I am university educated with my IQ in the genius range. My hubby (we married when I was hardly more than a teenager and he was my first boyfriend ever) is a blue collor worker who was in a school for " special"  children. Needless to say all the household responsiblities and finances falls on my shoulders, which I handle with no problem.

Secondly, we have problems sexually, with me needing touching and sex often, and him happily going weeks without sex. We have had many fights and calm discussions about this during the last 8 months. I even had him fully medically evaluated. Besides these two issues we are quite happy together - doing everything together like sport and hobbies and supporting each other generaly.

A while ago I met a great guy, a bachelor, who I can have deep discussions with about life - he even understands English!! (Hubby has some challenges when it comes to fully understand TV programs or magazine articles). And sexually I have never experienced the intense pleasures he bestows on me - he knows what to do with me, where my husband just thinks the 30 seconds that sometimes happens in the middle of the night when we are not really awake is fine).

I love both of them, in different ways. I care deeply for my husband, he is a good and kind man, who needs someone to care for him and pamper him. I cant take thinking of shattering his world. But I am also just human and still young - only 35 - and I also have needs. I just cant choose between them. My friend loves me and would like to marry me one day, but I cant make any promises at the moment.<br>Please Doc, I need advise. Since the start of my marraige it has been akward to go to for example a restaurant as we did not have much to discuss, and it still is a little embarrasing when spending time in a group like at family gatherings, and my husband does not say one word the whole evening.

Kind regards, and thanks for your time.
Martie
Answer 361 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Open minded, of course, doesn't mean you must aopprove or or applaud everything - that's a mind that is stuck in the open position, and fails to recognize the quality or consequences of anything.
Have you tried marriage counselling to see if the lements of riction between you and your husband can be improved on ?
Where there are more than usual differences between you in terms of intellectual ability and preferences, having friends ( they don't of course have to be male )for intellectual discusion and activities is fine, and need not be objectionable to your husband. Sex is more tricky. Couldn't your husband enjoy learning more about sex and how to be a better lover ( or, as you'd say to him, "an even better lover" ) ?
If he has some difficulty dealing with some of the topics that interest you ( the hidden humour of Ludwig Wittgenstein, perhaps )how much have you explored what interests him ?
In family gatherings, doesn't he perhaps feel shy and overwhelmed, and scared he might sound silly if he joins the conversation ? He can be helped to deal with that.
I wonder why you maried this guy in the first place ? You knew the differences between you, which have not arrived since then.
And remember Jason may be right about you being played. Sorry raises another often over-looked point - if there are irrepairable problems in a marriage, the most honest thing, after trying to fix them, is that if they are not fixable, to part in as friendly a fashion as possible, and then look for a better relationship. Its the isue of having two relationships and degrees of committment at the same time that is understandably bothering to people. In many ways, your husband sounds much better than what many women have to put up with. The intellectual stimulation can be found in other ways and inaddition to your marriage, and the quality of sex between you can be improved with the aid of a therapist. An affair is not the only solution
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