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Question

18 Aug 2011

Confused
HI,

I am a 27 year old female married to a 44 yr old for 5 yrs now..we have 2 kids and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship.The marriage has been hell from the start...He is very controlling, i dont even do the things i want...i cant watch certain tv programs that i want..i cant go out unles he approves, i can make calls he will distub to say the child is crying or something..he puts me down at every chance he get am always the bad person.. he sleep in the lounge, comes to bed when he wants sex..just after it hes gone back to his lounge or wherever..tellls me how back i am..he calls me silly..i am even scared of him to a point where i cant say what i want to say or i cant tell him if hes wrong...n if i final do its all my fault..i have been studyn over the yrs and now i have started work, firstly he never supported me while studyn i fought alone n he kept on telling me how stupid i am and how i will never pass..but now i have graduated n working he wants to control my every cent..he want to be the one recieving the money n i should ask him for all i need coz i will missuse the money..am tired i have really tried its too much i want to move out but am scared of what he will do or said n how he willc oz confusion with my kids..i really need to go coz hes not changing n my life is a living hell...he has not kissed me in yrs he just sleeps wit me whenever he want...and when i try to talk am the bad one..am paying his debts...its just a lot..please help how do i leave in peace with my kids
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Expert
Divorce support expert
Divorce support expert

01 Jan 0001

It sounds as though you have had as much as you can take. Unfortunately, most relationship that turn up to be abusive relationships, whether physical or emotional or both, the signs were there from the very beginning but we tend to focus on the promises made or we hope that things will change. The truth is, it never does and most often than not they get worst.
You have a right to be happy. A healthy relationship will not interfere with the individuals right to freedom. If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, it is a toxic relationship.
It does get more complicated as well when we have children in such relationships as children often end up being pawns.
Seek some legal guidance first to establish your legal rights. Are you married in community of property or not? Unfortunately in COP his debts become your debts. Also, since the new children act, BOTH parents have equal rights and responsibilities. You cannot just walk away with your children. They have a right to grow up with both parents being involved in their life unless it is established that they are in danger with one of the parents.
Establish what your fear is about. Would your husband be a direct danger to your and your children physical safety? In this case you should seek a protection order before anything else. If the fear is purely emotional because he has controlled you all these years, assert yourself as an adult and speak what it is that you want.
You have a right to live the life that you want.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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