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03 Feb 2006

advice please
Hi all,

I am a straight acting gay guy who has just recently come out of the closet. I play rugby and cricket and enjoy drinking beer and getting pissed with the boys.

My problem. A few of my guy friends, when they get pissed are keen to get very friendly, now that they know I am gay (2 in particular). It seems that when they are pissed they loose their inhibitions and want to test the waters.
I am seriously insulted as I am going to be no ones guinea pig.

My question: How do I tell them to f off without being too nasty? (I don't want to loose my friends) Also, has anyone else had this problem, and if so, how did they deal with it?

Neil
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Expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Neil, welcome to our forum and thanks for posting here.

Your situation reminds me of people who buy property on the coast - suddenly all their friends from Gauteng are missing them and want to visit. Your situation is also proof of our stance on this forum - that no-one is either 100% or 100% straight. Very often MSM (Men who have Sex with Men), who identify as straight, conveniently use alcohol to self-medicate themselves into a state where they don't need to feel accountable for their homoerotic leanings - they can play but still manage to walk away with their 'straight' badges firmly in place. Another common ploy is for straight-identifying MSM to 'blame' the gay guy - HE wanted it, HE seduced me, HE led me on, it all happened because of HIM. Many straight men think that all gay men are obsessed with sex and are always available as willing sexual partners.

Think about it - in some ways they've effeminised you and they're treating you in the same manner many straight men treat women - as a sexual object. You have reason to feel insulted.

Your friends must assume responsibility for their actions and need to show you the same respect they showed you before you came out. Discuss this with each friend when he's sober and try to explain how you experience their actions. Hopefully they'll be able to hear what you're saying. You're not rejecting them as friends but you need to assert yourself. As Deeve says, nip this in the bud. You've got good insight and you'll be able to manage this situation with ease.

On another level, I'm surprised that no-one has commented on your statement that you're "straight acting". There's no need to "act" like a straight - what's that all about anyway? Be confident in yourself as a gay man and leave the “straight acting” to your friends.

Please post again and tell us what transpires.
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