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05 Sep 2007

ATT: Mountain man
You had me in a giggle there...

Rather than going through all the trouble of finding my previous posts, I thought to give you a quick summary.

I've met this girl about 7 years ago, and weve been a couple for 5. I don't know why I kept it going that long, as I knew since varsity that I am not "normal", in the straight sense of the word. But I pitied her, and we are bestest of friends.

In any case, like I said, I knew I was not straight. However, 3 years into our relationship, I thought it was best to propose, very special evening, and two years after that we got married. Funny enough, 3 nights before our wedding date (got married in December) I was with a man. But I believed that I had to go through, all the money was paid, and I always dreamed of having children, besides, i hoped that committing myself to her and our marriage will help te keep me straight. Which obviously didn't work. Then I met a guy, gorgeous hunk, also married, and he swept my feet out right from under me. Usually sex with guys was just a one night stand, just pleasing the urge and then going on with my life the next day, but this guy was different. He made me feel like I want to be a better person, I kept on daydreaming about him, and how nice it would be for me to be able to return to him after a long day.

Unfortunately, he was experimenting and not looking for a relationhip, merely a buddy to show him the ropes. I wanted the same, but I couldn't help feeling for him. After a week has passed with me only thinking about him, I decided that I had to do something, and then I went to see a psychologist. It was difficult, but I made a decision to leave my wife and to be true to myself. She knew about my dual nature long before we got married, but I assured her that I have everything under control. She knew that it bothered me all the time, but I kept on assuring her that we are meant to be together - I didn't want to hurt her. So, in March I told her that I want out. She was devastated, and I supported her as much I could. She was angry, she was hurt. But she recovered. She started going out, seeing people... I met a guy, wonderful to say the least, caring, and loving... On easter weekend she phoned me (I was with my friend) and asked me to get a home pregnancy test kit on my way home. It was positive. Got a second opinion, another test kit, again positive. She was on the pill, and in the progress of switching between 2 brands, and we think that was the time my sperm defied the pill and got through somehow... In anycase, went to the doc, it turns out the date of conception was around valentine's day. I know that it is my child, since she has always been faithful, even after our separation, she never slept with anyone.

So, the baby brought a new dynamic to our relationship. At first I was hoping and praying that it may be a false pregnancy, or it might turn out to be a miscarriage. Turns out that it wasn't. So, now I had a responsibility. Yeah, sure, she should be able to cope with the baby and I can pay maintenance, but I was determined not to run from my responsibility and I did not want to be a passive father, I didn't want to see my child grow up calling another man father. Round about this time things with the other guy also fell apart, he didn't want to be the reason for the desruction of my marriage, and found someone else. We are still very good friends, but not lovers anymore.

So, I decided to stay with my wife and to look after them. I am now very excited about the baby and can't wait to hold him in my arms (it is a boy, due November). I have been untrue in the mean time, sometimes visiting dark and shady places and stuff, but you would know how difficult it is, I have needs, and I was reasoning around the same lines as you. However, it seems that I made an enemy of some sort, some guy started to phone my wife telling her that I am still seeing men, and he even knew one night that I was out, being able to mention the date everything. This happened about 3 weeks ago. I was devastated, as I have also just met another guy, and I kinda liked him a lot, but my wife's informant sort of dropped a name, he knew about my latest friend.

I was really down in the dumps, at a stage contemplating suicide. But we managed to work things out, and I obviously did not follow through. So, since then, I have broken a lot of contact with guys, and I have decided to stay true to my wife, have not been with a guy since. But I am miserable, I am unhappy, I don't have zest, I feel dead.

In a nutshell, that is my story. Where to from here? I don't know... Only time will tell.
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Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

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