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30 Oct 2006

Family problems
Last week I came out to my sister (she's 22 and I'm 17) and when I came home this afternoon my mom said she must talk with me and came out with it: she asked me if I'm gay. I was so surprised and unprepared that I said no I am not, I even acted angry that she could say this. So my mom said she was pleased and wouldn't say anything to my dad. I'm just freaked out that my sister betrayed me and I feel very alone because she seemed to be so cool with everything and then it blew up in my face. And I feel ashamed that when push came to shove I denied that I'm gay. Now that my asked me and I actually denied it I feel even more scared to come out to her. I haven't spoken to my sister again but what should I do? I also feel real bad that I lied to my mom and that I was so chicken when she confronted me, until now I have been really open to her and we had a great relationship and I feel ashamed of telling her that I lied. So I lost an oportunity to come out to her and I don't know when I'll have that chance again. Any advice?
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Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Stressing, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting here.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a bad experience but I think you need to go easy on yourself. You need to feel confident and in control when you come out to a parent, and you were clearly not in control of this unexpected and very direct question from your mom - you responded as I think many other people would have responded in that situation. You've been denying being gay for a long time so go easy on yourself for extending the denial for a while longer until you've reconsidered your options. When you do eventually come out to your mom I'm sure she'll understand.

It appears as though your family may have an unusual way of dealing with confidence and privacy - your sister informed your mom, and it sounds as if your mom was prepared to discuss this with your dad. Your sexual orientation is a privbate matter and needs to be respected by anyone you come out to - they need to understand that they cannot share this information without your consent.

Dont wait for the perfect opportunity to come out to your mom - rather choose a moment when you feel prepared and in control of the situation, and you have the right to discuss confidentiality with her before you come out.
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