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19 Oct 2006

Love & Sexual Expiration
I am 24, and I've been with my 43 year-old partner for 19 months now. We love each other dearly, through thick and thin, but have been arguing on and off for the last have year about the fact that he doesn't seem to be as "in to me" sexually as he used to - it's reached the point where I'm building up a lot of resentment, because I feel that I shouldn't have to degrade myself by asking for physical attention all the time, only to receive some or other excuse as to why he doesn't feel like it. I recently made the huge mistake of allowing a threesome, only to discover the re-appearance of what we used to share - but with a complete stranger. Only when I packed my bags was I given an explanation: "Babes, I don't know what the problem is, but it's like that with everybody - you build up a mutual affection and a friendship with each other, but things do die down sexually".
How am I supposed to respond to such a statement?!
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Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Devoted & Confused, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting here.

It sounds as if you're OK with the emotional climate of your relationship, knowing that your partner loves you, and that your only gripe is related to sexual interaction. I'm assuming that you're unhappy with the frequency of sex as well as the reduced level of passion when you do have sex.

Sex fulfills many functions in a relationship - it is a level of communication and sharing that expresses love and intimacy, defines boundaries (which shifted when you had a three-some), affirms sexual attraction and each partner's desire for the other, reinforces bonding and allows for an exchange and sharing of pleasure. In the initial phases of a relationship sex often features very highly as a form of interacting and with time, passionate 'lust' may transpose into a more enduring, solid and less 'passionate' sense of 'love'.

It is possible that you and your partner are not in synch with each other in this process. Also, your greater need for sex may not be purely related to a difference in libido. You may need more sex as a means of emotional expression, to feel loved, appreciated and desired; he may experience sex as more of a physical act. In which case the problem isn't how frequently you have sex, but rather in how your emotional needs can be met. More intimacy, such as hugging, kissing and other expressions of love could satisfy your emotional needs.

It sounds as if there's room for negotiation and compromise, but you may also want to look at spicing up your sex a bit. Don't expect every sexual interaction to be a major musical production but you could explore playing with toys, acting out fantasies and role plays, watching porn together, buying a book on better gay sex (often available at Exclusive Books) and reading it together, having sex outdoors, massage, edging, video-taping yourselves having sex, shaving each other... use your imagination :) You've already had one three-some so I assume there was discussion around this; three-sums are also something you could explore, provided that your own emotional needs in the relationship are being fully met and that three-sums are seen as purely physical acts. Be wary, however, of relying on three-sums for sexual expression between you and your partner - you should obviously be able to enjoy each other sexually without a third person being present.
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