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13 Sep 2006

no sparks
I am in a relationship of three years and sexual activities have come to a halt. I am always ready but my partner is the only deciding factor whether or not it happens. It so degrading to initiate intimacy while he stares blankly and expressionlessly at the TV screen . I have come to realize that he uses this as a punishment and reward system. The matter is never open for discussion but according to him he will engage in meaningful sex only if I treat him properly. what he means by this is beyond me, i worship him and whatever he wants he gets from me. Is it worthwhile to hold on to a sexless relationship? I know its not the be all and end all cause if one of us was physically incapable of the act there would still be love . In this case both of us are able and virile and its not happening spontaneously and its so meaningless not being able to express ones feelings physically. He says he is not the expressive type and I have to live with it or move on. I love him but am not prepared to turn into stone just yet.
But if I have to do so to find total fulfilment elsewhere Iwouldnt think twice.Please advise what stance I should take in this matter.
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Expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Stonecold, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting here.

There's no problem at all with a decline in sexual expression, over time, in a relationship unless one of the partners is frustrated - in which case very frank and open discussion is called for and a compromise reached. What is disconcerting in this instance, though, is that your partner is implying that you need to "earn" sex with him by treating him in a particular manner. It sounds as if sex (or the lack of it) has become an expression of a power dynamic in your relationship and your resentment and frustration are justified. Interestingly, your partner now tells you (after 3 years) that he's not the expressive type - how did he manage to be expressive earlier in the relationship?

It sounds as if the hassle isn’t just a lack of sex – there could be a lack of physical and emotional intimacy, leaving you feeling unacknowledged in the relationship.

Find a time and place to sit down and discuss this, and encourage him to assume some responsibility for what’s happening in your relationship. Let him explain why (and how) you need to earn intimacy from him, and make him aware that this is about your needs as much as it is about his. If he can’t hear you, or fails to assume equal responsibility for the emotional and sexual climate of the relationship, you may have a problem on your hands.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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