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26 Jan 2006

Hi there,

I would like to know me and my girlfriend has been together for 2years the problem is we love each other very much. Our sex life is great im satisfied completely but she seems to be having difficulties to orgasm now im at the point where i think its me im doing something wrong. She said that its always been like that and i dont have to worry she's not worried about it. But im worried what if she looks elsewhere?
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Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Please Reply, welcome to our forum and thanks for posting.

In spite of your girlfriend telling you that her 'difficulty' to orgasm is chronic, you're taking this personally and thinking it is your fault. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to define this as a problem and yet you do - you're making this your personal problem to the extent that you're concerned that she may seek sexual gratification with someone else.

Obviously it is quite normal to want to please your partner sexually and her inability to orgasm could leave you feeling inadequate, but by making an 'issue' out of this you're placing pressure on both yourself and your girlfriend. Paradoxically, you're adding a dimension of stress that could exacerbate the situation. Neither of you should feel guilty about her difficulty in reaching orgasm.

I advise you not to 'pathologise' your partner by implying that there's something 'wrong' with her. However, in extreme situations counselling could be beneficial, such as unresolved sexual abuse or violence (such as rape). Inability to orgasm can also be related to stress, or it could be an indication of a power dynamic in a relationship - one partner needs to feel in control and needs to be the one who is able to please the other while possibly fearing the sense of 'loss on control' of orgasm.

The most important way to address this is through very open and honest communication, including talking about sex. Remember that communication isn't always verbal - monitor her responses while you're making love so that you'll know what pleases her and allow her to literally show you how she enjoys pleasuring herself. If she feels shy about this you can set the tone by letting her watch you pleasure yourself. Let her know how desirable and sexy you find her. Increase the levels of non-genital physical intimacy in the relationship - hugging, kissing, touching and stroking and massage - and keep it fun and 'light' without even trying to reach orgasm. Don't make orgasm the measurement of 'success' when you play - long, extended and relaxed sessions of stimulating each other in every possible way don't need to culminate in either of you reaching orgasm.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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