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23 Jan 2006

Where to from now???
I've been in a long-term relationship with a guy for over three years - it was one of those relationships that was borne out of struggles and challenges. Yet despite all the negative odds, we rose above and had a seemingly vibrant, loving and committed relationship. He was not working and I provided for the security of our home.
We had family acceptance and had a small, intimate group of friends. All seemed well on the surface. I woke up to a rude awakening one day and found that he had been having flings outside of the relationship for a long time - strange because he was the one that was constantly insecure and accused me of being unfaithful. At times I felt as if I was doubting myself and I now realise that he was slowly but sure chipping away at my self-esteem, creating a smoke screen so that I would never realise that he was been dishonest.

He cheated on me; left me financially ruined with so much debt to pay; refuses to accept what he had done and still tries to create distance and havoc between me and the little friends we shared. I strugggle with this sense of betrayal and loss - and at times yearn for him even though I know in my heart that he would be destructive and negatively impact the good that exists in me.

But I can't seem to move on. I'm not depressed and I have been speaking to a therapist - But I lack the energy and the confidence to make myself vulnerable again to soemone else. I don't feel sexy and attractive and feel that I have this big sign on my forehead that says: "Looser!".

I live in Cape Town and am not into clubs and bars - yet I feel that that's the only place to meet guys again. Where else do I go? What else do I do? I need some positive reinforcement and some distraction - even if it's just a "in-the-mean-time" to encourage me to take those steps.

Why do guys do this? Why can't we never be satisfied with the one we're with? Why can't we recognise the good we have in each other? Why can't we just be honest with ourselves - not get involved if we fear commitment, so as not to destroy the life of the person we profess to love?

Sorry for the negativity on this Monday morning, but I hope that someone, somewhere will be able to motivate me to get my act together again.

Thanks for taking the time to read this posting.
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Expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Wounded and welcome to our forum.

Sorry to hear that you've been going through a difficult period and that your ex partner - who sounds very manipulative and abusive - caused you so much hurt and loss.

When we learn that a long-term partner is not the person we thought they were we often begin to question ourselves, or our own sense of reality; for example, "If he was a lie, was our entire relationship a lie? And if our relationship was a lie, who was I in that relationship?"

Since you're in Cape Town I invite you to visit me at Triangle Project. We're a volunteer-based organisation offering a wide range of services - we could always use you as a volunteer or you could join the gay library, a bookclub, a support group facilitated by a psychologist or just attend social events. Please call (021) 448 3812 and ask for Glenn.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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