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21 Nov 2005

A friendship of 27 years about to end?
Hi - I am a middle-aged(sounds old hey) lady who has a girlfriend whom I have known for 27 years or so. We are both married now. As a single parent for many many years we used to confide in each other and she was certainly a very good friend prepared to get calls from me all times as I had a few rather troubled relationships back then (15 years ago) And I was there for her too. She moved on 10 years ago and lived with a man to whom she is now married. All our children are grown and have left home.
Five years ago I finally started dated a wonderful man and we married 6 months ago ( we chose not to live together before then)
However this friend I think feels almost betrayed because for 5 years I have not "needed" her confided in her etc. However she has felt free to confide in me except that I have told her to please leave out all her intimate private details which she is in the habit of doing - really really don't want to hear about their sex life and details. In a "talk" the other night she wanted to know why our friendship has changed and I was honest enough to tell her that while she is free to phone me with problems etc I don't want to hear all the intimate details. She was so offended and through up in my face that years back she was there for me. She says who else can she talk to and I suggested a therpist for the sexual problems she is having. This has been a difficult female relationship. I have a friend and confident in my husband and on top of that I am going through chemotherapty for cancer and told her that right now my plate is full. She still does not get it. She is hurt. Was I unfair? I just also feel she is always very demanding (controlling). I have grown and matured so much the last ten years and don't look back on the past. What do I do.......try and make amends but stick to my guns.....or am I wrong.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Sounds like she really needs to be needed, and feels sore about haing been replaced by your husband. Yet you're right that you should be able, without offense, to decide whether you want to hear all the gory details of her current sexual problems -- and it's perfectly fair for you to sympathetically suggest that whatever it is she's describing sounds way out of your depth and to recommend that she see a proper expert shrink to deal with it.
So you were enturely fair. In the last decade you have done a lot of growing up and maturing, and from the sound of it, she hasn't, leaving you two no longer at the same level of maturity or sharing the same interests. Such friendships often don't last for decade after decade, for similar reasons, and you have no reason to feel guilty. Stick to your guns, you are right.
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