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29 Jul 2005

a problem
I'm a 21 yr old guy & my problem is I speak,action like a girl .my hands work like a girl and I have friendship with girls but i dont wear girls clothes i will never do that i just dont like it at all.
my problem is in high school always got crossed with men they dont want to do anything with me, this happend in every class i had in high school ,now i'm in tertiary institution this still happens and its worse than in high school I which i dont understand coz here most of us are matured & I'm afraid this is going to happen in the work place

I also want a friend that will understand me & take me as I am not someone who will use me like (what cherl is doing to Boet on isidingo) not someone like that. why is this happening to me. i am not gay
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Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi petto,

You pose a complex question and I'm not sure I can answer this one.

You tell us that in terms of your mannerisms, you're quite effeminate and that you relate to girls. And you state quite clearly that you're not gay (by which I assume you're saying that you're not sexually or romantically attracted to guys, and that you are sexually and romantically attracted to girls). If this is correct, you're either an effeminate straight guy, or you're transgender. But you also say that you're not comfortable cross-dressing (wearing girls' clothes), so that brings me straight back to the starting point. There are two issues here: one is your sexual orientation (who you're attracted to - guys, girls or both) and the other is your gender identity (your sense of yourself being more male or female).

I suggest that it's more important for you to figure out your gender identity at this point - where you think you sit along the continuous line of male versus female. Once you've worked that out, you can begin to work out what your sexual orientation is (who you're sexually and romantically attracted to - guys, girls, both guys and girls, or neither guys nor girls).

I must be one of the few people who doesn't watch Isidingo - does the answer to your question lie somewhere between Cheryl and Boet? - so maybe people who do watch Isidingo can give you a more direct answer to your question.

If you want to talk to a counsellor about your circumstances, you're free to call the Gay & Lesbian Helpline any day between 1pm and 9pm on (021) 4 222 500 - leave a message and the counsellor on duty will return your call.
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