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29 Jan 2004

Affair with
My husband, with whom I am happily married for the past 22 years, told me today that he had an affair until about 6 months ago and that he has fathered a child. He had this affair for 3 months. He couldn’t live with the secret any longer as we have 3 precious children and a loving home. He promises me that he wants to be with me, but that he missed her once she left. He phoned her a couple of times during her pregnancy. (She left the town when she heard the news). He went to see the child (8 days after birth) and wants him to bear his surname. He seems excited to have a new son. He now wants us to rebuild our marriage. (I didn’t know we had a problem until I heard the news today.) We are the perfect couple in everybody’s eyes and I don’t know how to handle this. Should I tell my children or must we keep the secret for another year? (We have only one child in the house, the other two are at Technikon). Should we tell the rest of our friends? We have a close circle of friends. I am in a total state of shock. He agreed on counselling. I love him very much and don’t want to loose him. We came a long way together, I appreciate his honesty and actually feel sorry for him because he had to live with this secret for 6 months. It destroyed him emotionally. How should I handle this and how is it going to affect my relationship with him? He is my first love and I have a lot of other good reasons for loving him. Please help me!
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Carmen, surely counselling for you both is the best route to go, and the best setting in which to explore and seek good answers to the questions you have raised here. It's good that he's being honest now, though he was hardly honest during the affair itself. I don't see an advantage in keeping this a secet from the children, who should be at an age able to handle it ; and as Anne points out, as he is acknowledging the child and wants to give it his name, he is officially proclaiming the child as their brother/sister. Get into counselling urgently, as there are some many issues to work out before the child is born.
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