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23 Apr 2006

Am I being selfish?<br>Or....<br>NOT?
Hi there Xpert, Nikki, Guys and Girls

It's with great heartache that I write you this msg. For the past few months you've read what happened in my relationship of 4years and now it's finally (against my will) came to the halt eventhough we broke it off almost a month ago...

You see, the past month it's been hectic. I cried, I had tons of pain and I wrote letters...so did he. We both went through a rough time and I'm not taking any pain away from him.

The thing is that this last month we've become great friends, we
(I) really worked hard in proving to him that I am the guy he fell inlove with and that I can be what he wanted. He's reason for breaking it of was said but is still so unclear.
We slept togther in the past month, I wana know why?
He gives me hugs in the morning, tighter than in the past, once again i want to know why?
We do coffee on a regular basis...we did in the past aswell.

The thing is Xpert, I wrote him a letter last night after sitting and wailing like a baby for him. I asked him to pls come and c me cuz for once I need advice and I need to talk to someone, I needed to talk to him. He didnt come, what he did is unclear. If he so badly wanted to talk to me then he couldve used his chat program on his cellphone...he didnt. The only thing I ever wanted from him was to confide in me and allow me to help him when the obstacles and too great to climb over. I was always there to listen and he just ignored my plea for help.

I dont want anything from him, I dont want him to contact me, I dont want his friends and I dont want him to tell his folks on my count.
Am I being unfair in doing this or is this just a way of protecting myself?
I am hurt as I am typing this cuz I honestly do love him, but he's not giving me the oppertunity to help him.

I feel worthless and I feel that eventhough I've offered my suport on so many ocasions I've been ignored.

I just want an answer, am I driving a steak through his heart by doing this or am I just doing what any other normal hurt person would do? Is it my right to do this?
Most of all, what would you have done Glen and Nikki?

Thanx for the support I've been getting from you and thanx for the amazing people that understand.

Lotsa Love,
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Expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Question, sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time and I'm pleased you posted again.

It is almost impossible to reframe a long-term relationship as a 'friendship' - it places you in a very uncomfortable space that is ripe for very complex games and manipulation, hope and bargaining, double messages, passive aggression and ongoing hurt. There are several levels of separation when a relationship ends (spatially, sexually, socially and financially) and all couples must manage this process at their own pace. The process can be reversed of course but it shouldn't get stuck. At some point, unless both parties are intent on being reunited, communication needs to stop so that both parties can deal with the break-up, mourn, take stock and with time move on again.

Think about what's been happening over the past month - you've been trying to convince him that you're the same guy he fell in love with and that "...I can be what he wanted...". You can't try to be who someone else wants - you can only be yourself and if he doesn't know you by now he never will. You've been trying to win him back without even understanding why he ended the relationship, which sounds like a very confusing space to be in. You've probably been searching for clues that would feed your hope of reuniting and it is possible that you may have been a bit manipulative in this regard. Don't read too much into the fact that you guys had sex or that he hugs you - there are obviously many complex feelings playing out here but that has nothing to do with the possibility of your reuniting. Your role of wanting to rescue or help him is not productive either – you place way too much focus on him and far too little focus on yourself. Maybe your attempt to focus on his feelings is easier that dealing with your own.

Behind your wanting to help him, I can't but wonder how you came to be so dependent on him. It seems as if you only feel worthy if you go to great lengths to please him and gain his approval. Forget about his needs and his obstacles and think of yourself. Which probably means that you should have nothing more to do with him. Break away completely and work at nurturing yourself. Get to a point where you don’t need his approval anymore. Make yourself the centre of your universe and send him off into a distant orbit till he vanishes from sight. It may be difficult to do but in the longer run it will be worth it. Start by dropping the word 'friendship' from the equation - he's your ex.
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