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10 Jan 2013

Am I Crazy?
Ok, so my husband will casually stroll into the house later than he said he would be home, smelling of brandy. When I ask him where his been, he will just wave his hand and say oh nowhere. Then after asking again he will admit that he''s been to a pub with friends. This happens every now and then. He once bought a boat without telling me. He often plays cricket and then afterwords dissapears for hours coming home drunk much later than he said he would. He sometimes goes out after work and don''t tell me. Sometimes I find out weeks later that he was at a pub that other night he came home late and I assumed he was working late. Or he will say he is " with a friend" , and later I find out he was actually at a pub.

My problem with this is that why can''t he just be honest with me? And is it to much to ask him to let me know if he''s coming home late. And I don''t like my husband staying out late getting drunk, while I''m home worrying about where he is. This usually makes me very angry , and we have horrible fights over this. Really nasty fights. He, however, believes that I am completely overreacting and I am just trying to be difficult.

I am a stay at home mom with two small children. It does frustrate me that he gets to go out and play golf, go fishing, or whatever he wants to do, and I am stuck at home. I go shopping alone maybe twice a year while he watches the kids. That''s all I do alone, ever. I would like to go to the gym, but I simply can''t, as I have no one to watch the kids, and my husband works very unregular hours, so I can''t count on him to be home at a certain time so I can go to the gym.

Therefore, it frustrates me even more that he gets to do things like going out and getting drunk and driving in a drunken state. Even if it''s only once or twice a month.

I believe that he should act more responsible now that he has a wife and kids, and not like a rebellious teenager. He thinks I am the craziest women he knows, and he thinks that I need serious help. I just wish he would pick up the phone and let me know he is not lying dead in a ditch somewhere. He believe he takes care of us financially, therefore he is allowed to behave like that every now and then.

PLEASE tell me who is right? Am I just a bitter selfish wife?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

I can't recall an actually crazy person who asked if they were crazy, just as its usually reasonable people who worry about whether they've been unreasonable.
What you seem to be describing would be an unreliable and essentially selfish guy, with a drinking problem. Why isn't he honest with you ? He's possibly not even being honest with himself, and (a) doesn't feel he needs to be honest with you, and (b) thinks he can avoid arguments or bad feelings by lying.
By getting drunk so often and so pointlessly, he also damages his own health, and by the inevitable accompanying drunk driving he risks other people's lives and health.
We don't know whether his job actually requires that he works unpredictable and irregular hours, or whether he adds that element himself, to suit his drinking habits.
You are neither bitter not selfish. Remember that.
Qwerty suggests a tactic I often recommend. As he wants to label YOU as the crazy one who needs fixing, see whether you can enlist him ( because you're unfixable if only you go to a therapist alone ) to join you in marriage counselling with a good therapist, with him agreeing to work hard with you and the counsellor, "to fix you".
Phil usually talks so much good sense here, but in this instance he's wrong. Men have no more right to "freedom", especially not freedom to be selfish boozers, than women.
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