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Question

17 Mar 2003

Boring Wife
Hi

My wife gets 10/10 being a housewife and mother to my children. However on the social side, I feel that we are total strangers. Whenever we go out together, we always end up fighting. I feel that she is too stiff and unsociable. I know that we are two different people, and I do not want her change just to please me. Lately I have been contemplating having an affair, as I am more comfortable with other woman and have a more exciting social scene with them.

WHAT DO I DO ????
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Oh come on, Anon ! Isn't that a pretty feeble excuse to convince yourself that you might have some excuse for having an afair ? You have a wife who is excellent at many important and valuable skills --- more than many other husbands have. Appreciate and enjoy what you have. Now let's look at this problem you feel there is, socially. Have you discussed this calmly with her, when there is not an argument happening ? Perhaps she is shy, or has low-self-esteem, and feels awkward among the sort of people you want to mix with socially. The way you're responding seems likely to make her feel more awkward and to lower her self-esteem.
Why not concentrate, instead, on what she does right in social settings. Praise her for what she did do well, and she's likely to improve at that, rather than complaining that she wasn't scintillating. Why not sart thinking in terms of what can you do FOR her, and not about her --- how can you best help her to feel at ease and confident in social settings ?
Maybe she's tired, after all the hard work of being a brilliant wife and mother and housekeeper all day, and hasn't much energy left to enjoy the social events you take her too. Maybe some of your friends have been unkind and discouraging towards her. Maybe her work-load at home is so time-consuming, she hasn't the time to watch news, see movies, read magazines, and thus have more topics she'd like to talk about.
And anyhow, what odd sorts of people are you mixing with socially ? Normal people welcome shy and quiet folks among them, as those who like talking, need an audience. And how on earth would having an affair help ? What sort of friends do you have, if you imagine they'd prefer to see you join them with a bit of fluff you picked up for her bedroom skills, and not your wife ? Or are you planning to rent a woman for each evening, with a PhD in Political Sciences, and skills in tapdancing, so as to maximally entertain the others ?
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