Ask an expert
Question

02 Aug 2006

Broken and extremely confused
Hi

not sure on what to do with this one. 2 weeks ago my girlfriend and i split up, it got to a situation where we could no longer approach eachother in conversation with the love and respect that eachother deserved. We have been on and off for over a year and a half now. I have no doubts that we both love eachother vey much. however, our fighting and communication has become an enormous problem toppled by the fact that she is now pregnant( +-6 weeks). Done the test and found out for sure. Since the ultra sound we have not seen or spoken to eachother. I am not sure on what her plans are, on leaving she did say that she was going to have the baby and that i will have nothing to do with it and should i try get involved she will have a restraining order put against me. firstly i never lifted a single hand to this lady, i love her unconditionally, sure we fight and argue and shout at eachother but not in a physical way whatsoever. She is 25 and already has two boys(5,6) both from another man who is not involved in the kids lives at all and probably never will be, the boys think of me as thier "DADDY", and i love them so much. i miss them badly.

I am concerned because in Januuary we had a break up for 3 months and she went back to her previous boyfriend( not the father) and he used to beat her and hurt her and the boys and they abused drugs together baldy. the father of her children apparently was abusive too, i can't help but feel that this is part of the reasons for her communication and emotional insecurities. it drives me insane as all i want is too give this beautiful woman and her children the life that she badly deserves.

My concern now is that she is carrying our baby, and last week after hearing from the brother-in-law, he told me that she is carrying twins and that she is probably going to go for an abortion. then after speaking with her mother i found out that she is carrying twins which will be confirmed by another ultra sound but she is not going for the abortion. so i don't know what to think or believe, i''m not sure if she is back with this abusive guy or whether or not she is looking after herself and the baby(s).

i have not contacted her because i want her to make her mind up about what she wants to do, for the baby and with regards to our relationship. I had a weak moment yesterday where i wanted to call her and see her but instead i phoned her mother to see how she is and if she is well. Apparently she is fine, but i know that her mother would tell me things to go back but don't you think that if she wanted to sort things out, if she really loved me that she would have made an effort to get hold of me?

I don't know what to do, i love her unconditionally in my heart i want to go back and try again and possibly go to councilling together and make this work for the baby, but at the same time i've had enough of the lying, the insecurities, the fighting, the threat's all the B.S., so i don't know...

Please could you offer me a little advice as to what i should do, whether to wait, whether to act, but i know that i am going insane with this waiting game.

regards,

SG
Answer 372 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

I think you need a good local legal opinion --- having chosen to have you father a child with her, I don't think she is entitled to exclude you from the baby's life, and only a very foolish magistrate, ignoring his absolute duty to consider only what;s best for the child, would agree to such an exclusion or order. If there is evidence that she has voluntarily exposed herself and the boys to abuse by another man and to her drug abuse, she'd not be i a good position to retain custody of the kids at all, let alone to keep them from someone like you who seems loving and caring towards them. Similarly, if she has decided for an abortion, and then changed her mind ; I don't think she's supposed to plan an abortion without informing and involving you. As an adult ( legally, at any rate ) she has a right to choose to end her personal / emotional relationship with you --- but not to end your relationship with the twins.
If there was any real question of the two of you getting back together, this should be with a requirement on both sides to get into relationship counselling and sort out the issues of conflict. Consult a lawyer and be aware of your rights, as regards the child / children, and how to protect them.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
Yes
34% - 9263 votes
No
66% - 17843 votes
Vote