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Question

19 Jul 2005

Can it be?
I cant but help feeling cheated and robbed of life - I am in a seperation with my wife, and what has come out is that there has been molestation in her youth. The seperation was a result of her not being able to handle life after we argued about issues of life, sex, business etc. What, in effect, actually happened was I was argueing for a normal relationship and she was argueing back saying that she was giving her best, but in terms of the problem in her youth, her best to me, was not enough for me. The strange part is for many years she told me she had dealt with this issue and would not see someone that I recommended, to deal with the issue.
She is busy dealing with it now (during our seperation) with professional help and has realised that she has not, in fact dealt with it, and is horrified at the emotions she is having to handle at this stage of her life in terms of this problem. Now there is a good chance that she will not be able to overcome it and looks at me as being like the perpotrator - just because we are of the same gender.
Is it fair for me to feel cheated or robbed because if she had listened to me in the beginning, our life could have turned out differently, but through her stubborness (or maybe her being scared) I am faced with losing my wife, the woman that I love. I cant help but feel really really down about it.
Answer 359 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Dissolved,
if she is having so very much trouble getting through the results of her childhood / youth molestation, and if anyone is allowing her to form the impression that she may not ever be able to get over it, then it doesn't sound as though she has a very expert or skilled therapist, and she should consider getting a second opinion and a new therapist. Sadly, there are some therapists of whom I feel very wary, who are themselves obsessed with matters of molestation / childhood abuse, who concentrate horribly on nothing but the abuse, and tend to keep the person sauteed in the abuse issues, and never really help them to get through this and to solve the real present problems in their curent life. And no competent therapist should enable a person to continue to hold hard feelings against an entire gender simply because heir abuser happened to be of that gender. That's like me feeling, because my injuries in the car accident were caused by the driver of a white car, that every other white car on earth is a threat to me.
So of course this situation will be very discouraging and frustrating for you. As Powerpuff proves, with proper help, it is very much possible to get through this experience --- many of us have had uinpleasant experiences when younger, but we should not be encouraged by a therapist to make a lifelong career out of being a certified victim.
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