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12 Nov 2004

Can you simply stop loving someone.
My spouse says that you can stop loving someone, and he feels that I have stopped loving him. I know that I want to be alone most of the time, but I still love him. I am in therapy for depression due to a traumatic childhood and have started behaving badly towards him. i.e: disrespectful behaviour, saying nasty things about him to family. He is a loving kind man who seems to want the best for me. My behavious has been inexusable, my therapist says it's because I'm trying to sabotage the only good raletionship in my life. I don't want to hurt this man anymore, he deserves better. How do I know if I've stopped loving him? I simply don't understand how you stop loving someone.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, he can't do mind-reading. So if he feels you have stopped loving him, this conclusion must have reasons, he must be basing this on the way he interprets some of the way you have been behaving --- explore that. Maybe he's been misinterpreting something. Or it could well be that you have been acting out more unpleasantly arising from your therapy --- discuss this important issue with your therapist, focus on it specifically, and work out a better way of handling this, and of explaining it well to your husband in the meantime. From what you say, you haven't stopped loving him, at all ; but you may have temporarily stopped behaving lovingly towards him. Tell him more about how much you do love him as a "loving kind man who seems to want the best for me", and how this is an annoying and temporary aspect of your therapy, asking him to bear with you a little longer.
And recognize what your therapist has been saying --- and when you feel any tempration or impulse to sabotage this excellent relationship, stop, count to ten, and stop yourself from doing so. You can do this.
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