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04 Aug 2007

Can't live like this
I am now married for 11yrs (2 kids). Last year I told my husband it's over, due to him living his own life etc etc.I believed he didn't love me or the kids and that he didn't want to be with us and wanted his own life. He claims that he loves me and has always and he is sorry and he will change. Tried councilling, but I didn't want to go. He has changed abit (especially with the kids). But my feelings for him still haven't changed. Over the years I emotionally switched myself off, to avoid the dissappointment and hurt that he caused, by never being there and living his own life. I have thought long and hard about why I don't have the guts to move out and have come to the conclusion that the only reason why I am there is because I now feel guilty, because he wants to save the marraige and I don't. How do I get rid of these guilty feelings and figure out what I really want? As soon as I make the decision to move out, I feel sorry for him and don't move. But I can't live my life like that I am so unhappy!!!
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

I'm surious --- WHY didn't you want to go to marriage counselling with your husband ? I"m always suspicious of a spouse who promises to change but refuses the assistance of a counsellor to achieve that change --- but here you wanted your husband to change, but refused to be part of the process ? Were you scared that maybe the counselling might actually work ? Could you accept his making major changes in the directions you want ? Feeling guilty isn't especially useful to either of you, but the question is a good one --- why would you not want to save the mariage ? Is there a good reason for that ? Why not enter mariage counselling, which should not be seen as devoted to glueing the pair of you together, come what may, but to enabling you both to realistically review the mariage and what it could become, and making a wiser and more informed decision ? And leaving without examining what has gone wrong, would raise the chances of your going the same way in any future relationship
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