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28 Mar 2003

CHEAT, LIE........
I have been in a very serious relationship, when after two years, the "light of my life" decided he needed "space" and wanted to be "alone". I was crushed. It was 2 years ago, on Christmas day, when he decided to break the news that he doesn't want this relationship we had. Worst of all, we lived together for 3 years already. I couldnt believe what was going on, but had a suspicion there was somebody else involved. He denied it of course. after we had been seperated for 1 year we decided to give it another try, and work things out. He after all just needed to get himself together. We have now been together for 1 year and all of the sudden this other woman phones me and tells me that she is expecting his child. I felt betrayed, dirty, emotionally drenched, physically tired and couldnt go on. This was the first time I thought of suicide. I phoned him up and told him about the call, and confronted him, and that was when he spill the beans. It was going on for 2 years, while we decided to start over, to start afresh. This call came through the beginning of this year. I picture them together and shiver, I don't know how to handle this and what to think. The road to recovery????? FORGIVENESS??????? I have made piece with it, and accepted it, I even forgiven him, but I cant forgive her, cant forget, and I have a emence hate for her. I know this can be self destructive, but I am struggling with this deceipt, and the fact that I didnt know................

Advice..........Please..

Thanks,
Sarah
Answer 446 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, Sarah, let's see what other readers can advise, based on their own similar experiences. This is obviously a very challenging and hurtful experience. It's pretty remarkable if you have been able to get to peace with what happened, and to forgive him so far. But the fact that you still feel such "immense hatred" for her, suggests that you haven't really finished getting to peace with what happened. It takes two to tango ---she surely didn't tie him to a bed and force him, at gunpoint, to impregnate her. And what I'm emphasizing is that while it may have been a foolish and cruel thing for them to do, she couldn't have done it alone, so it's hardly fair to respond as if it was all her fault.
I think the value of forgiveness, such as it is, lies in enabling you to let go of past events and get on with the rest of your life, rather than remaining tied to painful past experiences. I don't see much value in forgiving the perpetrators who caused our grief, for their own sake. If you are reconciled to remaining in the relationship with him, and if the two of you do wish to work through this and proceed with a sound and lasting relationship, then you surely need and deserve to engage in Mariage / Relationship Counselling, so as to do this properly ; and to clarify many necessary issues, including how he intends to relate to this other woman in the future ( if she is bearing his child, she can hardly be wholly ignored ).
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