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20 Aug 2010

Cheating
I have been married for a number of years. I have children with my husband and I do love him but I have not been in love with him for many years. Recently I made contact with a colleague and we have met for drinks twice and we regularily have phone sex and text sex it is all very erotic. We have not yet though had sex or any other form of sexual contact. I wuld like to know, statistically what are the chances of this ever developing further, is this something that alot of men/women go through that eventually just passes. This boost of course has done wonders for my sex life in my marriage and my husband is oblivious to all this, I have started to lose weight and really feel looked at and admired by other men, this obviously is also a boost for me. Can u help?
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Expert
Sexologist
Sexologist

01 Jan 0001

This experience is more common than we like to think and it can cause huge damage to relationships when it is discovered. It's not necessarily down to stats as to whether it develops further or whether it passes, it's down to you! This can lead to a face-to-face sexual affair, but you need to be aware that what has already taken place may considered to be a betrayal by your husband and children. The question is just about whether they find our or not.

It is often the case that the exciting chemistry that was present early in the relationship dies down...this often leaves the person with a strong feeling of love and attachment but the feeling of being 'in love' may not often be present. This returns when there is a new love interest, but this also contradicts the rules that we set for ourselves in relation to fidelity. It can be intoxicating and so you need to be wary of it as it can lead to behaviour that you may deeply regret later.

My advice to you is to use this new found boost and direct it towards your relationship with your husband and perhaps think through with him what you can do to ensure that the spark is repeatedly re-lit. Looking after yourself physically and making an effort is part of that effort. I encourage you to continue to be aware that you are attractive to others, and this is most likely true for your husband too (that others might find him attractive) - even though you may not see it due to the familiarity that is common in a committed relationship. This awareness can provide enough tension to allow the sexual energy to rise between the two of you again. The presence of a third party, however, will interfere with this so I also encourage you to stop contact with your colleague and work on your feelings for your husband.

Claire - SASHA
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