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16 Feb 2003

Clinical Depression
Oh CyberShrink, help me.

I don't know where to start. But I'll keep it short and sweet.

I think I may be suffering from depression. I'll tell you why. I'm was looking around on the topic when I came across helth24's site and who had, excellent descriptions and information regarding the condition. I'have read the symtoms, and it's kinda scary because most/all of them apply to me. I don't want to let it get worse as it already feels like....

The 1st one is a feeling of sadness or low mood. I feel like it every minute, of every day. I go to sleep and I stand up feeling this way. Everything and everyone, irretates me. I irretate myself sometimes because I do stuff wrong, I cannot concentrate long enough, I day dream alot. My energies and drive isn't there anymore, I sleep alot, but it doesn't help. If I sleep less than 8 hours it feels like the world is on me, when I sleep more than 8 I feel I could die. I have headaches in the morning. I get backaches in the day - even without lifting or doing things to strain my back. I have always thought the headaches was that I ate wrong, needed some vitamins or something. I even went to the doctor he have me cataflams, whatever that was for. It didn't help - sadly. Anyway I have felt this way for years now, it came slowly, but recently I get into a depression so quickly, and fail to get out of it. I feel depressed all day long, everyday - sometimes it's just worse, like this one, I'm depressed now for 6 weeks. Thuis week would the 7th week that I feel so very bad and low, more than ever. I can't even describe it in pure english. I'm a very nervous kind of guy, oh, by the way, I'm 21, and male. :). Anyway I get nervous very easily, I stress quickly. I feel the whole time I need something to do, something exciting, adventurous then it would be ok, to just CHILL, just to relax, and have a fun and good time inbetween, but when it comes to it, I feel like, I'dd better stay at home, or at work, because I'm not up to it, I don't want to do it, I don't feel like it. Friends (the one's I have because they can't take me as I am, maybe they get tired of me saying no) anyway friends ask me to go visit, then I don't have anything to say to them except no, and I don't want to tell them I'm not feeling up to it as they may feel bad - and that I do not want. Like I have these two friends, they keep asking me, they even smssed me tonight and asked me to go watch some DvD's, I said no. So I said maybe later in the week, but I know later in the week I would be feeling even worse and then anyway I would say no. Just like in your symtpoms page, I want to cry, about anything, for no reason, or when I think about stuff, but I can't cry. feel this heavy sadness .... and nothing. I thought that if I could just cry, then maybe it would be ok in the end. MAybe I could get through and over this. Sexual interest as you said is less, way less. I gain weight. My sleeping patterns is how shall I put it, malfunctioning? I can't fall asleep, I lay awake. Sometimes when I'm very tired, because of the previous nights that I laid awake, I fall asleep fairly quick but as I said, sometimes I lay awake untill 4 in the morning knowing I have to get up, in a few hours. If I could, and if it was possible, I think I could sleep most of the time. I have difficulty to get up in the morning, and if there was no such thing as an alarm clock then i'dd be oversleaping every day. And the tiredness. I feel ok for let's say, maybe two hours after I get up? Hmm, anyway then I get very tired, my mother calls me lazy. But I'm so tired that I don't want to even move, sometimes I want to fall asleep. Sometimes I get this urge to just work and work, sparking. I speak very softly. I have to repeat everything I say, as noone can hear what I am "muttering". I feel worthless most of the time, useless, I mean what am I doing here? For what reason? I feel helpless. I feel there is nothing anyone can do. It's my faurl I am feeling this way. I mean I can program myself or tell myself today I'll be fine, today'll be a fine day, nothing to worry about. But then why, do I sitll find myself, feeling this way. The passing week I had to do a major stock control on the system of my company, I couldn't even do it right, I tihnk I'll have to go back this week and do it all over. I can't concentrate, Sometimes I find myself wheren I have to make a decision and suddenly I'm unsure about the simplest things. Takes some time to "click" something, something common and stupid that has no need to be thought through. I think by myself WHY am I living, what do I do here, there is nothing, I'm like an ant, just one out of many, one less wouldn't mind, but then I think about everyone I love. And I stop thinking about life being worthless for me. But what about the day when the ones I love doesn't matter to me anymore? I'll surely kill myself, and I get scared jst thinking about it. As you can see it's most of the symtoms, the website let me explain it easier how I feel. My folks keeps asking me WHY DO YOU LOOk SO SAD, then I just say that I am tired, which I am anyway, in a manner. I have a very close immediate family bond.... but the closeness isn't there anymore, I feel I Want to get close to everyone in my famly, my sister, especially her, because I step back the moment she get's closer to me, not literally, you know what I mean, it's like I feel all the love but there's a wall inbetween us all.
I know you'll be asking me what may be the reaon for me feeling this way. It started all when I was little. Simple things like when my mother and father had to go work and left me alone with the maid, the first day of school they left me, kinds teasing, the teachers being a pain in the butt, all those things, it's like 15/16 years back!!! The past few years, it's just getting worse, and worse. I always had this way or hiding it, but it's like my defenses are going down and I don't care what other people think, as long as they leave me alone.

Oh there's alot I can tell, but I won't waste your time as I am already maybe doing. I just need someone to talk to, someone to tell and someone that would listen without telling me it's a phase or something, it's the longest ""phase" i've even been in then. I can't snap out of it!!!! I have tried over and over again! If I ask to go see a doctor or something my mother and father would wan't to know why. They'll think I'm nuts. I think I'm nuts.

It's hard going to bed, and it's hard getting up, and it's hell getting through the day. Can'tsomething be done, what is the easiest way? Is there a way except killing myself???

Thanks for your time, I'll end here.
Answer 416 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear Sean,
Well, that's a pretty convincing description of Depression. You're not nuts ( nuts wouldn't hurt so much ) ; and there's a whole lot that can and should be done, with killing yourself being the least helpful of all.
Depression can be so very effectively treated, that there's no sense in not getting the proper treatment that's available. You'd need to get over the depression-induced lack of initiative, and get busy arranging to see a psychiatrist ( a GP could also probably help, but you deserve nothing but the best ! ).
You're 21, and in a job that should provide Medical Aid --- you can arrange to see a doctor, on your own. And I'm sure that if you let your parents know how you've been feeling, and what you plan to do about it, they'll be relieved and supportive.
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