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21 Nov 2005

could this mean he is gay?
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. It was/is the first proper relationship for both of us. He has recently shared with me that is is not sure of who he is, as he looks at other men finds them attractive. He says that this worries him even more because he doesn't find any other women, besides me attractive. When he was 12 years old, he was molested by a friend (another boy) and had never told anyone this but me. Throughout school, and still today, people often mistake him as being gay only because he looks after himself well and is very well groomed and up to date with fashion trends. He wants to be a pilot, and is flying as cabin crew in the meantime, which means he has a few gay friends and gets on well with gay men (but also with straight men and women). He has told me that he does not find other men sexualy desirable and cannot see himself being with another man (or woman) and that the only person he has ever been sexualy attracted to is me. He says that when he met me 5 years ago, all his fears about being gay dissappeared but has recently been surfacing again. He says that he doesn't want to be gay and that he loves me but is scared to lead me on if it does in fact turn out that he is gay and that he would rather make sure than supressing his feelings and it coming out after we are married. Could this all be due to the fact that he has supressed feelings from the molestation when he was small and this is resurfacing because of the industry and his new gay friends? Or is he just too scared to lose me and his family and of what people would say if he was gay, to admit it? We are both very scared of losing each other and are both very emothional and heartsore because of this confusion he is going through. Please, any advice will be appreciated.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Sounds like he needs counselling to deal with these issues of confused identity. Whether he was molested as a child, I wonder --- it's actually normal and common for young boys to experiment sexually with each other, without the event being considered to be molestation or to cause any harm. I very much doubt that that particular event has any influence on his life today. But as he seems at least unsure of his sexual identity, he needs to work with a counsellor to clarify this and make decisions about the rest of his life.
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