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01 Dec 2005

Daily thoughts #4
So I see her tomorrow. I play it back in my head numorously. I have thought it through so much, that when I see her I will be frightened. I thought about who I was. I feel like there are two of me. And I either am bieng the wrong me, or am bieng the wrong me at the wrong time. One part of me is me. Im relaxed, humurous, and sociable. The part of me that only seems to come out when Im around a pretty girl, I guess is the me thats trying to be someone else. So I think it through and I see that I am trying to be someone im not. Ive been practicing bieng someone else for so long, I lost the real me. And so, I cant be the person Im not, very well. And maybe that is what is hurting me. The person I was trying to be, was the person I thought they wanted. Thats not working, so obviously thats not what they want. They can see in my eyes, that I am not bieng myself. So in order to get what I have been wanting for so long, I have to work backward. I have to find myself again. And be myself all of the time. This way it wont be so akward around her. I have figured out my problem. So close to giving up, and I finally do it. Im not sure if it will be so easy to change. I will try, the way I tried to be someone I wasn't. And I will succeed. Because There is no one who knows me, better than me. I have formed a theory. Maybe this is why so many of us are having social issues with certain people. We think about what the person we want to grow on, might want. And then we instinctively try and be that person. And we can't be someone we are not. So perhaps if we were one hundred percent ourselves all of the time, we can save ourselves the effort of trying to find ourselves again.
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