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13 Jan 2005

depression & confusion
Dear CyberShrink,

I have seen the brilliant advice you give others, I wonder if I can be part of that? I need some advice on what to do.

First of all- I have a personality disorder- got told its similar to borderline. I also have major depression-now that i can feel.

I need an opinion on this-i dont know if it’s because of all these other issues that I feel this way. anyway the story: I cant stand it when a man touches me, I know it has a lot to do with fear, I have tried to ignore it and move on, but I push any partner I have had away as soon as it gets too much for me. Then I feel I can’t be with them anymore and feel sick when they touch me or kiss me.

Then recently I felt an attraction towards another woman, I really thought this was it-I know now it was a crush and nothing more as she did not feel the same for me and is currently involved with a man. It was that I thought I was gay; I was fixated that this was my answer to how I feel about men. It’s not like I'm not attracted to men, its just I don’t want to be with one. Does this mean that I could be gay? Or could this just be the issue revolving around my personality disorder and the past I have had with men? I would really rather be alone than be with a man intimately, this makes me feel like an oddball. I don’t know if the need is something else...

I hope I did not trouble you.
Thanks for your time
Answer 404 views

01 Jan 0001

Well, Fuzzy, if it's not always brilliant, at least it's sincere. And sometimes of course the questions are significant and sincere, but way outside my own areas of expertise. Personality disorders are difficult to live with, and not easy to treat. It's often typical of a Borderline PD, that one switches far too readily, from liking a person very much, to disliking them, from wanting to get close, to suddenly wanting to be distant ; and to feel devastatingly abandoned when someone leaves you --- even if it was someone not in a formal relationship with you.
From what you say, it doesn 't sound as if you're gay. Ot may well have been a crush. And for whatever reason you are curently experiencing a sense of revulsion at having a potentially sexual man near you, similar dynamics might have encouraged you to feel safer to feel closer to a woman. But of course though we can receive great pleasure from a close relationship with another person, both men and women are capable of either being kindly and satisfying, or hurtful. I doubt that this recent episode was actually about sex rather than potential intimacy, or that it was about beign gay rather that wanting to be close but safe.
These are the sort of issues one is best to work through in detail in psychotherapy
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