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04 Mar 2003

Depression - losing control
Dear Doc
I have scanned some letters and some of my probems are there but I have other concernes and problems too.
I got married at 21 and knew my husband for many years before this, I am 34 now. Life was great when we first got married, although he never helped with any housework or household chores, these were left too me, I was also holding down a full time job and supported us while he got his business up and running, which in itself was tough. We were married for 4 years before our first child, this took a long time, as I had a few problems, to cut a long story on this side short, life after our children were born, came to a end for me, I was the "glorified salve" in every aspect. I worked at home and held down a full time job, I had to do everthing, I had no domestic help, and my childrren were always sick, I have had to endure living with the in laws for many years on and off. Well this said and done, we drifted apart, he is obessesed with his hobby "motorbikes" and I came last , I have felt like this through out my life, as a child my parents did not give me as much time as they gave my brother and I have always left out!. But who I am, I carried on and became a self sufficient and independant person, I made myself into hard person, as I had to bear all on my shoulders. My husband and I drifted apart and eventually did not speak, but fought all the time, I was always and still am very angry, hurt, depressed and very lonely, I did not go out as I was always the one who was reposible for the kids and eventaully I shouted and moaned at them all the time, even if they made a slight noise I would get angry and say nasty things - which of course I did and do not mean, but I cannot and could not help myself.
As we drifted apart my husband in this past November had an affair with a friend of ours. I made a big and painful decsison to leave him, which I have done, I have move away and have the two children with me. I have filed for divorce and await for it to become finalised. I am at the moment
with my parents.
Things were fine, but are now falling apart, I have managed to get a fairly good job, where I am and the kids are in good schools, the kids have adjusted very well, although they miss their dad very much. My parents dislike my ex intensly and although I resent him, this does hurt me.
I tried very hard to come to terms with the failure of my life, I feel useless and depressed all the time now. I tried very hard to put on a "Happy" face for my parents and to express my thanks for all that they have done, they have been very supportive towards me and and the boys, and I know that taking us in was a very big move for them too, not just for us. But I of late I have been very angry and I have been taking it out on the children, I say mean things like" they have ruined my life" etc I wish that they would go back to their dad, as they irritate me, I feel like my whole world is falling apart, but the kids are best part of my life, I would do any thing for them. I find myself during the week as a machine, going to work and schools, doing homework etc, but at week ends I lock myself in my room, and cry and read and sleep, I don't want to eat or speak to anyone, I know that this is unfair on my parents as they then have to care for the children.
I am angry at the failure of my life and marriage ( as in certain respect I still care and love my ex)
I am angry that I have not got an exciting job
I am angry that I don't have enough money to contribute toward the household expenses and feel awful and unhappy that my parents have to do it for us
I am unhappy that I no longer have my own house and my own life - I had to give up my job and home and animals and friends where I was, I have no freinds here, only my parents and my kids - I am lonely.
My parents and I are at the moment in a big fight, I cannot get out of it and I keep saying the wrong things, I implied that I was going to go back to my ex and they have now told me that they want me out of their house by this week end. I know that going back is not the answer, as he lied and and made my life unhappy and he committed adultery, which I do not condone.
I just feel that my parents want me to have a happy and smiling face all the time, I feel that they do not understand how I feel and how unhappy I am and that I am depressed and I don't know how to get out of it. Life has been hell for me in the past 3 years but of late is far worse due to the affair that my ex had, the divorce and the big change that I have had to make.
My parents have implied that I am crazy and that I need professional help and have implied that I am an unfit mother as I cannot contain my temper, and take alot out on my kids - I don't want to be like this. but I cannot control myself and I cannot control the depression, they seem to think that I know what I am doing and that I like being like this, but this is no way the case, I cannot control myself - it just happens - the kids mean everything to me, and I want to be the best mother that I can to them, . How can I explain to my parents that depression is something that I cannot control, I need to get through this to be able to deal with other things.
I feel everything has come to an end, I sit here and write to you and cry, thats all I do all the time, cry and feel unhappy and lonely and depressed. I think about going back to the ex, just to have some company - but this will not work. I also want a life and to be happy, I want to have a home of my own so that I do not have to comply with my parents ways,
But I am very grateful to them for all that they have done, I cannot express how I feel to them as we shout all the time, and I get the impression that they think I am doing this for attention and that I like being like this, come on, how can anyone be happy feeling like I feel, I would rather die than carry on like this.
Please give me some good sound advise of how I can dela with this.
Thanks Lou
Answer 411 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Lou,
Whew. Let's look at this calmly. You have spent years in a situation in which a selfish and uncaring man used you and your conscientiousness to load all the household and child-rearing chores onto you, and you feel badly used and furious at all the time you have wasted and the happiness foregone so far. You've made a sound decision to separate from him and to seek divorce.
I hope you have good legal advice, and will ensure that you get adequate financial support from him, for you and the children. And a proper share of his assets --- when a wife invests so heavily in her husbands business, by the scarifices she makes, by extra work to support him while he's building it, and so on, she is entitled to a fair share of the proceeds and profits. I raise this not as a mercenary point, but because you may be tempted to neglect this aspect, as you've largely failed to assert yourself before this point.
Of course you feel sad, and frustratd and angry. The problem has been though that the anger has been too often taken out on the kids, and he may choose to use this fact to argue about custody. For your own sake, and that of the children, surely you need and deserve to see a therapist for an assessment and advise, to handle your current fury and learn better anger-management methods, and your sadness. Doing so will pu you in a stronger position all round.
When one has so many good reasons to feel furious, but no way to properly express this towards the cause of your frustration, the risk is as you've found, that you tend to take it out on the innocents --- on the chldren, and on your helpful parents.
I doubt that people are actually expecting you to feel happ in such a situation --- they know that would be wildly realistic. But apart from the unpleasantness of receiving your anger ( and they can do even less about the cause of it than you can ) they must feel some despair at seeing and hearing all the evidence of your pain, without feeling able to do enough to help assuage it.
See a good local shrink, who can help you to work through the problems, devise better ways to cope with thm, and to feel much better in yourself. You deserve this in its own right ; and it will also strengthen both your ability to cope with the divorce, and your prospects of coming out of it in a better and more secure situation.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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