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22 Feb 2013

Diary of a Mad Black Woman
I desperately need advice.

I am a 28 year old married woman (customary). Co-own two properties with my husband. Now I want to leave because my life is hell, for lack of a better word.

Short summary of my life

I had an abortion when I was 22, struggled since then to have children (had multiple miscarriages) have had enough with fertility doctors, test…  , DONE! Now my husband is openly cheating on me, abusing me physically, emotionally and mentally because I cannot have children, calls me barren and useless. He tells me he is doing me a favour by telling me he is sleeping with another woman. But he still wants to sleep with me, and sees nothing wrong with this.

I didn’  t want to be selfish because I blame myself for all of this, so I told him he can go and have a child with someone else (playing Sarah from the Bible) now everything has backfired. He talks to her in my presence and tells her he loves her, he doesn’  t sleep at home only eats, takes things from the house to give to her like TV, Bed because she doesn’  t work.

Every time I try to leave he tells me, no one will want to be with me because I am useless, its better I stay with him and tolerate his bull***t, because i put us in this mess

As a result of what has happened in my life, I have become suicidal, been admitted to hospital many times. I have run out of ways to kill myself

Long and short of it all is that now I am at peace with everything, I have accepted Gods will and have decided I want to remain alone for the rest of my life no partner no children!. He doesn’  t want to leave, I have decided to pack my things and leave without him knowing because he is using me to take care of the house he can’  t afford everything by himself and since mistress is not working, things will be tough if I leave because there will be no second income. he doesnt see my value, so i want to show him how useless i am.

My life has stopped for him. I can’  t live like this anymore. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave him because he wants kids?