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06 Jan 2005

Difficult times continue
some of you might remember me. Its been 5 months since my girlfriend killed herself . I have been for counselling and also did all the excercises that were given to me like writing a letter to her and her family. I still cant get a grip on my life. I am running constantly. Ive been in the US for quite some time and came back to spend Christmas here and to see her daughters too. I have to leave again soon and I wanted to take the one daughter with me but her father has refused. I had to settle for telling her that I would pay for her plane ticket to anywhere else in the world and her father agreed to that. just as long as she doesnt come stay by me. She is 18 and wants to come with me but is torn because she doesnt want to lose favor with her father whcih I understand.

I want her life to be easier than her mothers was, and I want to make sure she has the best opportunities too. I want to spend time with her. I feel like she is my own kid. I have a son in the UK he is financially independent and I want to make sure that my girlfriends daughters have everything. The older daughter is living with her boyfriend and planning to marry. I know its because she needs him rather than them being compatable to marry and have a future together. This worries me.

I want to get away from it all sometimes and find that I work long hours and dont have a social life anymore. When I work I get lost in everything that needs doing and I then I can forget. If I am home or with other people i keep thinking about what she is missing and what we should have been doing. Everyone is a couple out there. people in love holding hands and I miss haveing that but I also dont want to feel the pain of missing someone everyday again.

Everyone says that I have to give it time. Sometimes it feel like time means nothing. The pain i feel tonight is no less that the pain I felt the day she died. Work is the only solution I can find and I know that there has to be another way but i cant seem to find it.

The -|- er who raped her and who I hold directly responsible for her death has been released. I tryed to keep track of the case but I am getting differet stories from everyone. He x husband is trying to get involved now and seems to be commited to doing something to get the bastard locked up. I cant do it. I should have killed the -|- er when I had the chance but instead I believed her when she said he wouldnt come back again. Not long after that she was dead. I know i cant change what happened and did my best to forget this but some nights all I can think about is tracking this man and killing him. Its just talk. I am too weak to do anything about it. will be jetting out of here soon maybe its best not to come back at all. please pray for her children. they are doing well in many ways but they do need prays.

Through everything Jayde got 3 distinctions for matric and 4 b's. Im so proud of her. there are things to be thankful for.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello again MIke,
Of course we remember you. I understand your wish to make sure that the daughters manage to be fulfilled and happy in life. And as you realize, we may be able to facilitate that at times, but none of us can guarantee it. So much remains up to the individual, and to the many other forces at play within their lives. And many of us, too, find it functional to bury ourselves in our work, as we more gradually find our way out of grief.
Odd, isn't it, how when we have lost a partner, everyone else out there seems to be paired up, as if we are the only singleton on earth. And when we are in a happy pairing, we fail to notice the many singles out there not yet paired or happy. It's a matter of perspective, not of numbers. And of course we grow cautious about the risks of love, and for a time may prefer to forego the pleasured of love, to avoid the pain of loss of it. Eventually we realize that to constantly avoid it, it to permanently lose it, rather than to at least occasionally enjoy it.
Time is mysterious in such circumstances. It's as if there's some curious inner metabolism working away, that prevents us from reaching an easy peace early on, but at around a year, generally things start to ease, often without our ever recognizing why.
Do check out if you can find a copy, the short but brilliant book "A Grief Observed", by CS Lewis, in which he brilliantly described, to himself, the progress and resolution of his own grief, after the death of his wife.
I understand your feelings of wishing vengeance for the barely human filth who so harmed her. Sadly, the SA "justice" system still seems, between its legendarynegligence, to be devoted to the care of perpetrators rather than victims, and nobody in Government seems to have any genuine wish to see it otherwise. Maybe rather than individual longings for vengeance or vendettas, there ought to be the development of a more widespread Victims Rights movement to push the government into actually reading the constitution's fine but essentially empty words, and puting them into practice and fulfilling their duty to protect the innocent and vulnerable, instead of the greedy and strong. And as DG wisely says, the rapist has already been sentenced to something very horrible indeed, a life sentence to being his loathsome self.
We will continue to hope for the best for her children. Please convey our congratulations to Jayde for her remarkable achievements in matric.
As DG says so eloquently, your duty now is to find a happier and more fulfilled life for yourself, both because in your own right you deserve it, and because it is beyond doubt what she would have wanted for you.
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