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14 Aug 2010

i need some sense knocked into me. perhaps literally. since a little girl i have dreamed of raising a family and being a wife. part of that dream included me having a little girl of my own. i am a girly girl. love make up and nail painting to baking and sewing. so i was blessed with a boy. i was disappointed at first but i got over it, it was my first and i knew my next would be my little girl. don''t get me wrong here, i love my son with all my heart and he has grown into a wonderful person with the kindest heart and the sweetest manners. it came time for our next child and having fertility issues it took some time but eventually we were blessed again. from the time i knew i was pregnant i knew i was having a girl. i would have my pigeon pair and life would be just perfect. i pictured my little girl playing with her brother and how he would be such a good big brother. my husband was also excited for a girl. it was meant to be. we found out the sex early on in the pregnancy and there was no mistaking our girl was in fact a strapping lad. no doubts whatsoever and it has been confirmed quite obviously at every ultrasound thereafter. i am now nearing my due date and i still have not accepted it. my husband has and my family are excited but i am sad inside. i keep telling everyone i am so excited but deep down i am not. i want to be. i want to be happy but i just keep praying that at each ultrasound i find out there was a mistake. i need to get over this disappointment. i need to stop being so selfish and ungrateful. after all i could very well not even have had this child as we have problems. i have three weeks to accept this and to love my child so i need some honest and harsh words. i know i have already told myself in this letter i am being ridiculous but it is not sinking in.
Answer 422 views

01 Jan 0001

Its interesting that your self-image ( its fine, of course to be a girly girl ) seems to depend so much not on what you are youreself, and what you do yourself, but on having a girl-child to be a girly-girl as well, or almost instead of you yourself.
What if you had a baby girl, who as she grew did not WANT to be a girly-girl ? Would her wishes be more important than yours ? Would she need to be created in your image, as it were ? Girl or boy, an issue seems to be that you want the child to be something paerticular FOR YOU, rather than anything at all For Itself.
You are not being ridiculous at all, and not even being selfish, but the extent of your sense of disappointment suggests that there are significant unresolved issues within you, about your sense of yourself, that would be very well working through with a good local counsellor. Its almost as though you have mixed feelings about the girly-girl thing, and feel free to enjoy that aspect of yourself only if it is confirmed by a similar daughter, only if you can share it with her. Counselling could help you to enjoy yourself as you are, and your children as they are.
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