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24 Nov 2005

Dishonest Boyfriend
Okay, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now, 4 months into our r/ship, my dad died, thus i feel there is an even stronger bond between us after that, as he was a great support to me. He is a very nice guy, love him to bits and comes from a good (though strict) home. a year and a half ago (we both were still in the UK) i decided to come back to SA. He wanted to stay on for study and work reasons, which i understood, and we decided to pull through and try a londistance r/ship. It's been a bumpy ride, but i've seen him every 3months or so, and the times we see each other are great. Now, the bits that worry me......he tends to hide things from me, i see it as lies. while i was still in london with him, i discovered that he phoned sex lines on the evenings he went out drinking and i wasn't with him. i confronted him about it, and he was very emotional, telling me he thinks he's sick he doesn't know why he did it, but he promises me he didn't have phone sex (what then!!!!!!!!!) i forgave him, and we went on. (he promised me he'll never do it again) Two weeks later, i caught him out again (saw his phone bill) and we almost broke up, i forgave him AGAIN......since then he's promised me he hasn't done it again, i don't know.

Last week i found out by chance that he was at a bachelor's party last year (which i knew about) - they went to a strip club in london. i knew all this. what i didn't know was that he had a private show too........i asked him at that time in his face if he had one, and he said no. When i confronted him this w/end, he exploded, he says i have an OBSESSION over his life, i want to rule him, and he only didn't tell me because he knew i won't be impressed and it was all a joke.

There was also an incident a few months ago where he went away on a boy's w/end, there was girls at the pub who got horribly drunk, and took their tops off. when i asked him how his w/end was, he said it was quiet and nice. i saw the photo's of that w/end and that's how i found out.

WHAT MUST I DO!!? all the lies he's told me has sexual connotations.......we are sexually active, but he's very shy usually and not always keen, i usually instigate........

He's coming back for good to SA in exactly a month's time, we haven't spoken/emailed since monday morning......he was VERY rude to me over the phone over the w/end. WHY!?

Don't get me wrong, he's a GREAT guy.........but it's times like these that i don't know...........please give advice......is there something wrong with him, or am i the wrong one.....?
Answer 446 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, of all the things he might do with anyone else when horny, drunk and alone, phone sex is probably the safest alternative. And the other events sound very normal and harmless ; the "lies" that are bothering you sound like reasonable strategies for a guy who knows that you will react so vigorously to rather minor events of this sort.
Nothing that you describe is typical of a man being unfaithful to you --- but of a normal bloke, rather than a Benedictine Monk.
These are not the sexual events of a wildly promiscuous Don Jaun, but of a modest, shy and cautious chap. I can fully understand why he would be bothered by someone being so controlling and showing so little understanding of his situation and his own feelings. There is nothing wrong with him. Maybe things will settle down once you're both back home again, but excessive jealousy and controlling can destroy any relationship.
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