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28 Feb 2003

Divorce effects on kids vs Slef depression / unhappiness
My wife and i have been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old and 1 year old. We are from 2 different paths in life and both got married too young. We feel the effects of this daily, howver I think that I am the most to blame with the feelings of unhappiness. I love my children and love my wife, but I am not in love with her. I have been depressed in this marriage for years and would prefer to leave her to be by myself. I am not involved with anybody else, so this decision is based upon my current feelings towards the situation. This decision is not masked by feelings towards another party.

Getting married at 21 means that you dont know who you are and what you want, and it was stubboness and spite towards people against the marriage that I went through with the marriage, and today I live with the consequences of my mistakes. At 21 you are immature and think you know everything, but do not realise the enormity of your actions.

Anything that happens has an equal or opposite reaction. Divorce has one and so does staying.

So my question is, if you dont love your wife anymore and really dont want to be with her, how will marriage counselling work out? I would probably end up have an affair if i stayed married to her.

And finally, is it not better for children to be apart from their parents if the parents fight all the time and there is a negative atmosphere at home?

Thanks.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Hofman,
Yes, as I grow older, it seems to me that Wisdom consists in knowing more and more about how little one knows, rather than in knowing everything. An adolescent / 20-something can indulge in the fantasy that he knows everything, until life teaches him that he doesn't.
As to your questions ---
It is true that it is not wise to assume that it is always better for the children to avoid a divorce, when this means that they are frequently exposed to anger and bitterness and squabbling between their parents. Among other things, it does not teach them how relationships are supposed to work.
The outcome of mariage counselling, as with any good therapy isn't specifically easy to predict in advance. ( if we knew all that in advance, we'd hardly need to go through the process... )
The aim is to improve the degree to which both parties understand themselves and each other ; to help them to clarify and define usefully the actual problems that exist between them, and and to make an honest and informed attempt to solve such problems. In the end, it is possible that the problems will be solved, valuable lessons learned, and the marriage can continue more strongly and happilly. Or, it is possible that the conclusion will be reached that the marriage will not be capable of healing, and that a separation will be the best for all parties --- and perhaps to enable that separation to be done in the least hurtful way.
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