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10 Nov 2006

divorce looming
Hi there,
Currently I'm at wits end with my relationship. I am always critised, no matter what I say or do. I am never right, my opinions or suggestions is never good enough and it seems that I am the only one to blame for things that go wrong. Yes, I have made mistakes, some worse than others. I have been "forced" to change a lot, to address the "issues" that I have. I have stopped drinking (AA), I feel I've been a good husband, doing my chores (which, I must add, is everything except cooking). In my mind, I feel that I am the result of circumstances, sort of a second-grade citizen with all personal benefits removed. I am critised about my job and salary, but when I try and study, I am ignoring her. I can not get through to her. We've seen a therapist whom my wife disliked because of the things (truth) being said. I have been accused of stealing her money, that I have a drinking problem and that I do drugs. I have tried screaming and shouting, pleading, begging, straight-forward talking, not blaming or pointing fingers, but nothing. I feel that I'm neglecting myself by not being my own person. I am dependant on her & her family, because everything I had, was lost. Mainly through my own bad decisions. But I can not stand this emotional blackmail anymore. I have tried to commit suicide, that is not an option again. My wife is no support, she reckons I need to sort out our problems, and seeing that I am the only one who causes the heartache and discomfort, I have to solve this. When I say something, I always stand to be corrected. How can I cope?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Maybe your spouse and family grew critical of you during your alcoholic days, and having probably been disappointed by you a good few times in those days, are cautious, even reluctant about trusting you now. yes, it's unfair and unhelpful, and that's why family therapy is often useful in such situations. Well done if you have managed to stop drinking. As in the example you quote, an overly critical spouse may criticize a therapist / counsellor who points out such uncomfortable facts and habits. Pleased to hear you have also concluded that suicide is not an option, either. Maybe see a counsellor / therapist FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, to sort out both any remaining personal problems, including those you outlined here, and also work then on ways for you to work towards more satisfying changes in the marriage and family situation.
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