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26 Feb 2003

Drugs and Alcohol
I am in a state. I am sure my husband is using cocaine and I just cannot believe it. He used to play around with it before we were married and even I had it on the odd occasion. We have been married for 4 and half years now and have had many stresses in our lives. One being that our 4year old son has Wilm's tumour. Now you would think that a parent with a child who has diseased kidneys would appreciate healthy organs more so than anyone else! About 2 years ago I caught my husband playing with cocaine again behind my back and he denied it making me feel like I was loosing my mind. Deep inside I knew it was true but left the issue with a large warning to him. I believed that he realised that he was being crazy and just try and be a normal person. Now my husband goes out with his friends once or twice a week for drinks and I havent really had a problem with that as he would come home around 11 or 12pm. But there have been a few instances where he has come home at 3 or 4am. I regularly "taste" his credit cards to see if he has been playing with cocaine, I even know which card he would use, Gold, of course! So there I was on Saturday morning checking this mans card while he was passed out and there was the cocaine. I could taste it. I cannot believe that at his age, 29yrs, and with his responsibilities and worry's in life he would dare toy with such things. I confronted him and of coarse I am mad and how dare I confront him about crap, etc, etc. I now feel like my whole marriage to this man is a lie. I dont want to be married anymore to him but there is a darling child involved who is currently on chemotherapy. I feel like this is a Jerry Springer show. So for the past 3 or 4 days I sleep in my son's room. My husband sleeps in our room and my son sleeps either with me or with dad. I will not leave because it is my house too and I would not dare to upset my son. I cant look at my husband and cannot believe this is happening.
For now I am going to live in the house and go to work and play with my son as per normal and pretend that my husband does not exist. Is this the right thing to do? If I try and talk to him about this I know exactly what is going to happen, he will just turn the whole issue around and he is quite capable of becoming violent.
I know that my husband smokes a bit of weed aswell when my son is asleep but for the past few months he smokes every single night. I dont smoke and I dont drink much either. I have noticed that my husband seems to go to extremes with everything he does.
I cant talk to anyone I know about this because I dont want anyone to judge him but I feel like my heart has broken in two and very lonely. I mean I am writing to a screen here for goodness sake.
Any suggestions? I know that we cannot work this out. I think I have accepted too much crap from him for too long.
If I leave the house and go and stay with my mother who lives just down the road it will upset my son, who loves his father and it might just aggrevate the situation completely. Am I doing the right thing?
Please Help. I am expecting to have a nervous breakdown anytime soon.
Answer 371 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Heart-broken,
I understand how sad, worried, and desperate this discovery makes you feel. It sounds as if your husband is a weak man, unwilling to face the realities of life unless they are heavily disguised by drugs and chemicals. It sounds as if at some level he is aware of and unhappy about this. He knows it's wrong, so he tries to hide it. And he gets cross when you raise the subject, because he knows he is wrong and that there is no good excuse for what he's doing.
But try to calm down a little, and don't talk yourself into some kind of breakdown --- you're not doing something wrong, and your feelings of frustration, disbelief and anger are very understandable. The question is, really, what's the most useful thing to do. Is it possible to talk to him quietly and calmly, NOT as part of an argument, and when he is as sober and "straight" as available, and maybe even sound a bit sympathetic, that you're concerned that he seems to be returning to an old problem, and not coping particularly well with it, and want to help. Is he prepared to work on getting clean and staying clean ? If so, then you can support him into therapy with a shrink specializing in this sort of problem.
Is he really going to insist that frequent use of weed and coke is a truly good idea for a father with a sick son who loves him and needs him ?
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