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28 Mar 2003

Emotionally Abusive women
A friend of mine told me about this site, and I find that some of these stuff and comments are actually making me wonder! :-? I've been with my girlfriend for +- 2 1/2 years. In the beginning everything was full of spark ( like all relationships) and she couldn't get enough of me sexually and emotionally. I use to ( and still do) orginise romantic evenings,flowers,surprise presents, up to 3 hour messages, ect. ect. ect. I'm then, in turn, rewarded with: Please stop calling me so much, you're always THERE I never get time for myself, I'm so tired looking into that "dik bek lang gesig", bla bla bla bla. She's very keen on seeing me when she needs me to help her with her work stuff, fixing this,her sexual needs( and this is lately only the - wham bang, thank you mam - episodes, fixing that but when it comes to fixing the relationship and having sex when I feel like it, the door is opened and locked behind me when I'm out and a "fade a way" good bye and thank you just before the door slams! What is the opinion of the love kings and queens of this forum and of Sexology as well? I need a solution for the problem and not a fare well, goodbye answer. yours truly Clueless
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Expert
Sexologist
sexy

01 Jan 0001

Has your girlfriend been treating you in this manner for a long while? Or has this behaviour occurred more recently? What caused you to speak about it now? Has she ever acted this way to other people? Your girlfreind's behaviour toward you, which apparently she considers playful and harmless, is harassment. She bullies and teases you to a point that provokes anger and torment in you, and I strongly encourages you to deal with it as soon as possible.

Your girlfriend is exhibiting immature and inappropriate behaviour and that's not your fault. She may want more attention from you (because she may feel neglected in the relationship); it could be related to something outside of your relationship, such as problems with her job, other family members, friends, etc., and she is transferring her anxiety over these matters to her relationship with you, possibly in order to establish some control or power; if this behaviour started recently, then it could reflect a medical or psychological condition that did not occur before; or, this may be her "funny" (but unhealthy) way of showing you affection.

Obviously, you have made several attempts to talk with her about her behaviour, but to no avail. She will probably continue to "play" and torment you unless you become more assertive in your response (beyond just telling her to stop). Tell her about what is going on, find out why she is treating you in this way, and let her know how it makes you feel -- that it is disrespectful of your feelings and hurts you. This may be hard, but try to remain as calm as possible, especially when she ignores your requests for her to stop. Her tuning you out makes communication difficult, if not impossible, at that time. If this is her typical reaction, then gently ask her about her behaviour at another time, when she has regained composure.

If there never seems to be a good time to approach her about the situation, then consider seeking professional help for yourself, for her, and/or for the two of you as a couple. To encourage her to go, tell her how much you love her and how much the relationship means to you (if this is how you feel), and that if she also values the relationship, then the two of you need to seek help together to resolve the problems that could strain and eventually break up your relationship.

Your girlfriend needs to realise that she can't do "whatever she wants" to you because she doesn't own you, and that being in a relationship to you does not serve as justification for her behaviour. You need not tolerate such behaviour from her. She needs to respect you and treat you as your own person, not as an underling or object. If she values your relationship, and if she wants it to grow and solidify, she needs to realise that a successful and healthy relationship relies on equality, mutual respect, and hard work on her part, too.

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