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08 Aug 2007

end of marriage
hi. its been a long time, maybe because i'm shocked at how this is for real: it really is ending. my marriage is such a lie. worst of all i've become unrecognizable. i used to be called 'strong' and 'cool' by some people i confided in, and friends i knew told me i deserved the very best. but today i am pathetic, weak and hysterical. i've been staying at my mum's for a long time now, finalizing the divorce, acting happy and relaxed - the only time the mad side of me emerges is if i speak to my soon to be ex-husband. she sometimes hears me talking to him, the other night she opened my closed door and found me feeling sorry for myself (a crime punishable by something severe according to my family) i was crying, and tried to hide it but it was too late - i thought she'd say something nice, motherly, but all she said was 'all you and your husband ever do is argue. i hear you nagging at him and i'm not surprised he doesn't want to be with you - no man would.'

it was like someone froze my heart, i stopped feeling for a long time after that, realizing this is what it was like growing up there. here. always condemned for being human and having these pathetic feelings, never praised if i did well in school or life, just the cursory glance and 'OK' to the A's in all our report cards.

sure, i'm a nag. i nag my husband. i yell at him because he has the audacity to say he loves me and 'not the way a husband loves a wife, but we're meant to be together' - he says stuff like that! then he promises to try - then he says 'i never wanted to try. i want everything to just fall into place'- who would NOT NAG? and if they exist, tell me how not to get angry at that and not tell him things like "that is so messed up! after everything we've been through you are still thinking it should fall into place! when will you grow up and realize that it takes effort to have a happy marriage?"

i'm starting to believe firmly that no one has ever thought of me as special except a select few who were only friends, friends who didn't live with me and therefore didn't really know me. the people that i've lived with, have cared very little for me, and this isn't self pity - i knew it i just didn't wanna say it as it makes me sound like an even bigger loser. i carry around an unhealthy feel of being abandoned, it makes me go crazy at night, lying awake, crying and hoping for something to numb it. i hate feeling so out of control, and i hate not enjoying the fact that i'm alone. when i was younger, and everything went a bit off at home - i cherished the moments i had alone. because it meant listening to whatever i wanted to, watching what i want, not having my appetite ruined by their nastiness and constant lectures on how to be a better person... but now i hate being alone. my phone never rings, its like everyone can sense my desperation, so they stay away. i try and immerse myself in books, DVD's and magazines, but all i can think of is love, lack of love, feeling lonely, sad, hurt, needy, scared, disgusted with this pathetic state of mind i've been in for so long now.

i'm on cipralex, our marriage counsellor said i'll need to as i'm displaying symptoms of depression. thats another reason i'm seen as weak to my mother and siblings. i feel as though i'm deteriorating, getting sillier. i used to be tough, and now i've given up. the thing that scares me the most is - if my own mother can be this unsupportive of me through what is the most difficult thing i'm going through - what will other people be like? they'd blame me, slander me, i won't know who to trust or turn to.

sorry for the erratic nature of this post, any advice on how to deal with these feelings and situations is much appreciated
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Gosh, ck it really has been a long time. Sorry to hear things are not going well at present. Sounds like your mother gave powerful lessons in nagging, you could hardly help but learn to do so. But you seem to be developing most unfortunately low self-esteem. We don't see you a losr, but I hear how you do so. It seems as though you have given away so much of your own primary power, requiring the approval of others to fel good about yourself, making your feelings hostage to what others do and say, rather than enjoying autonomy. This is where skilled counselling / therapy ought to be able to make such a big difference.
If your mother and sibs really are foolish enough to see you as weak for being Depressed, I suppose they'd see a person as week for having appendicitis, or bronchitis, too ? Some mothers are ideally supportive and comforting. Some really don't know how to do it, and are technically useless at mothering, and yours sounds like one of those. This is unfortunate, but you mustn't allow this to make you feel bad. And other people are much more likely either to be understanding, or to simply pay no attention to you, which is exactly what they do to most of us.
Good comments from Hope, too.
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