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27 Feb 2003

Facing being a single parent after Valentine's Day
My partner and I were together for about 19 months. He was a loving partner and actively involved with running our household. Due to "his personal issues", he left me a couple of times but came crawling back within weeks of doing so. On February 14th we found out we were going to be parents. He pushed for an abortion but I refused as I'll be 30 this year, hold a very good position at work and have family and friends for support. By the 15th he walked out of our relationship. Now he's excited about the baby and willing to pay for maternity wear, baby gear, daycare, etc. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to come back but wants to accompany me on visits to the dr, antenatal classes and be there for the birth. I love and miss him dearly and feel bitter that he's decided not to come back on this 1 occasion when it really MATTERS. Do I let it go and accept my fate? Do I consider taking him back (if he tries) considering his past track record?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Jacqui,
I fully understand why you'd like a definite answer on which choice would be best, but you probably understand that no-one outside of yourselves, can answer with any degree of certainty.
One wonders what his "personal issues" were. When you descibe him as "crawling back" you suggest that you're still angry about these.
Many guys are ambivalent about pregnancy / faherhood. If the news came as a surprise, he may have had conflicting responses. The idea of an abortion might have seemed like a quick fix, without needing him to think through the important issues of your relationship, at least so suddenly. But of course that's a pretty lousy reason for considering an abortion. Now it sounds as if the idea of fatherhood is growing on him, and as if he actually does want to share this experience with you and contribute support, financial and emotional at this time.
It's still not clear why he doesn't want to come back and re-join the closer relationship with you. Maybe he's thinking mainly of the benefits to the baby ; maybe those mysterious "personal issues" remain to be dealt with. Is he at least working on those issues, with a proper counsellor / shrink, or just waiting and hoping that they'll go away ?
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