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11 Aug 2011

Family disagrees with my decisions
I''m a 21 year old student and my boyfriend (23) and i have been dating for almost four years. We want to move in next year, but when i told me parents about it some months ago they completely freaked out and threatened to disown me among other things. Since i''ve told them i haven''t spoken to my father about it again. My mother and i have spoken about it but she insists that if we go ahead they will forever blame my boyfriend. They think he is forcing me into it, eventhough i''ve explained the circumstances to them. They now pretend that it''s not going to happen at all. My parents disagree because they see it as immoral and they don''t want me to bring shame on the family. My boyfried''s mother has also discouraged us from doing it, saying we''re not ready, but i suspect she has other reasons why she doesn''t want him to move away as she mentioned it will be ok as long as we stay close. My boyfriend and i really do believe this is the best decision for us and we have spoken extensively about it, from money to who will be doing the dishes. I just don''t know what to do anymore, i really want to move out but i don''t want to taint my already damaged relatioships with my parents. As a teen i was always getting into trouble and they found drugs in my room several times. I think they have lost all their trust in me and think that i am still as reckless as i was back then and it''s feuling the fire about moving in with my boyfriend. We are both still living with our parents and getting increasingly frustrated by our lack of freedom and only being able to see each other over weekends. We love each other so much and plan on getting married once i have finished my studies. I just want some support from my family. I want to know i am doing the right thing for myself and for us, but the way my and his parents are acting is making me think twice. Should i go ahead and risk life long resentment from my family or give in to their selfish wants for the sake of not losing them???
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Some parents are reasonably comfortable with their child moving in with an unmarried partner, many are not, and for both good and bad reasons.
It would be odd though, if the pair of you shared this decision, for them to consider it totally the responsibility and "fault" of your bf.
Clearly, from your description of the situation, if you two moved in together, you would upset and estrange both sets of parents. Would what you would gain by doing so ( apparently nobody is bothered if the two of you get together otherwise ) really be worth it ?
It sounds as if at least part of the issue is your wish to move out and not live with your parents. How would they feel if you moved out to share accomodation with a fellow female student ?
If as you say you ealier got into other kids of trouble, and got involved in drugs, then its surely understandable that they'd be concerned about your welfare and you wouldn't exactly have a long track-record of wisdom and sense. Are they reall being nothing but selfish for opposing the suggestion ?
Its understandable that you'd like the support of your family, which you could probably achieve in a number of other ways and about other issues, but this hardly sounds like its a way to achieve that. To hope to do something that, reasonably or unreasonably, so upsets them, AND to want to have their support, is hardly realistic, is it ?

And Romany raises a simple and crucial issue. If you are totally funding your education and living expenses, and can afford to do this entirely on your own, you are free to do as you wish and cary the consequences. But you can hardly expect them to continue paying for your education if you move out in a way that they so strongly disagree with.
As the old saying does, you can't have your cake and eat it, too
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