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18 Jul 2005

Fiancè killed his ex 2 years ago - how does one pick up the pieces?
I am engaged to the most loving man I ever met, but like so many of us he has a sordid past.

His ex was a very bad drug user, she sold everything he had to support her habbit and he was keeping down 2 jobs just to keep food on the table. His whole life was an emotional and physical roller coaster.

One night, after saying she was tired of living, she took slightly more than her normal dose of drugs. I think he was so broken down and tired that he could not think clearly. Anyway, he injected more drugs and she died.

I am not trying to defend him, but he is not a bad person. I can understand what he had to go through to do something like that.

The problem now is... How does he forgive himself? We found out about 2 months ago that we are pregnant. This after we have both been told conceiving is not possible. Since we found out, he is constantly running off to the pub, trying to drink himself into a stupor. He believes that he does not deserve any of this.

How can I help. What can I do to help him and save our relationship??

He is an amazing person with the capacity to do great things, but I don't know how to help him. He refuses to go see someone.
Answer 402 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, counselling obviously might help him to understand further what happened, and under what circumstances, and to come to terms with the guilt he feels. What he absolutely does not deserve --- nor do you or his baby --- is his getting drunk every night. And be careful. Though you may not see him as dangerous, he showed previously an inability to deal with a relationship problem through the usual channels, and may choose a similarly or differently maladjusted way of dealing with this situation. Hence the importance of him getting into counselling. And he mustn't be allowed to think that he "doesn't deserve" help. Oddly enough that's actually a self-centred if not selfish attitude --- YOU and the baby deserve that he gets proper counselling and sorts it out, rather thyan just hiding away in a cloud of alcohol.
I also share Deubel's concerns, and wonder how he avoided prosecution last time round ?
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