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27 Jun 2011

Foster child
I have a foster daughter, her father died in a rampage shooting spree in 2007 by a " madman"  and her mom burnt severely after being set on fire by her 2nd husband, she died on 4 nov 2009, I was her mum''s friend and dearly love my foster daughter, she refuses to see a psycologist, she had two or three sessions but I feel that is not enough, however we talk about mum a lot and share memories of her together, I also talk to her about her mum and let her talk, cry etc. I also comfort her but is that enough? My kids all love and accepted her. She is part of our family now but she has 2 brothers living elsewhere, older than her. My husband and I allow her to visit them and they are welcome to visit her. I still feel she has a lot of hidden anger and emotion she is trying to deal with and not getting it right. She has to mourn both parent''s passing, it is so unfair, dont you agree?
Thanks for listening.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

You didn't mention the age of the girl, which is relevant ; but then I see you later mention 16. Whatever the age, she has endured two appalling events that would seriously traumatize anyone. The sort of comfort you are providing is really important, and it's so fortunate for her that tyou are available. But generally people who have endured even part of what she has, need more.
I wonder why she refuses to see a psychologist, as she surely needs and deserves. Its possible, as not all psychologists have the sensitivity and skills to deal with extremely delicate situations like this, that the one she met was more clumsy and put her off, perhaps. Sometimes someone in her position is scared of the depth of feelings she is partly aware of, and feels it could be damaging to release them even with a good therapist ( though in fact, properly handled, it is useful to do so). Sometimes the obvious emotions are complicated by inappropriate but sincere feelings of guilt and the anger.
People often imagine that they "couldn't talk to a stranger" about such things whereas a good shrink is trained to make this both easy and helpful.
DO encourage her to see someone, as this could really help so much, and without professional training, nobody can do much more than you already are doing.
Maybe she'd consider seeing someone if you went with her ? The therapist could help then also to advise you on more specific ways in which you could help her work through the necessary processes ?
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