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06 Aug 2010

Guilt ridden
Cybershrink please help me.... i was seeing a married man for a few months who told me him and his wife were living separate lives but that he couldnt divorce her yet because his kids were still too young and for financial reasons. His wife has now found out about me and confronted me and she is the nicest person and treated me so kindly. she told me a different story to what the guy told me. I have never felt so terrible in my life before and if it wasnt for my family who have already lost a loved one i would have taken my life. I called it quits with the guy now and have tried to get them both to go to counselling but they dont want to reconcile under any circumstances anymore. It feels like i have screwed their marriage up and now i am just walking away. i dont know what to do. do i stay with him now that its out in the open, do i walk away? i can only imagine how she is feeling and its eating me to my core. how do i fix this mess, what must i do, please help me because i cant take this anymore, my life has been one big mess from the start and i think this could be the final blow. please no sarcastic remarks, i am broken enough already.
Answer 406 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

One must ALWAYS be suspicious when a married person tells you such convenient stories about the marriage, when persuading you to have an affair with them. The ages of the kids are irrelevant in deciding about a divorce - and would be a reason AGAINST an affair, not for it.
So, he was a cheat and a liar, to her and to you - blame him, appropriately for what he did, and don't be so hard on yourself. But why on earth would you for even a moment think of remaining with him ?
Of course you were right to leave him, and there is nothing more worth saying to him. Only he and his wife can fix this mess - its not up to you. If she does not want to reconcile with him, that's understandable, and one should respect her wishes. If he doesn't want to reconcile with her, that's odious and selfish of him. The more firmly you ignore him now, so he is qite sure you will not take him back, the more he might think of at least how best to treat his wife kindly and considerately at last.
What happened you understandably regret, but it was not really your fault, and was surely very much his fault.
See a counsellor to sort out any turmoil in your own life, and leave him to clear up the mess he has made in his - you can't do that for him.
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