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29 Mar 2007

guy that can't commit
I met this wonderful guy 4 years ago. We met when i was attending a course in his city. It was love at first sight and everything was perfect. However after a few months i found out that he was married. When i confronted him about it, he said that they are seperated and that he is filing for divorce. I wanted to let go of everything but couldn't cause i felt that this is my dream man. Whe were having a long distance relationship for about a year, when he moved to where i am. They got divorced and he told me that he and his ex wife had problems long before i came in the picture. When he moved here, i fell pregnant right away and only found out 4 months later. When i was pregnant, he wasn't working and even thougjh i was working, things didn't go to good financially. I started to feel less for him, it even went so far that i never wanted to sleep with him. I just felt that everything was my responsibility. I managed to get him a job, it wasn't paying that grand but it was something. After my son came, my feelings were worse. I couldn't stand him. My son is now 2, his father got a very good stable job and things are good between us. My problem is that i came out of a very conservative family, i dissapointed my parents by falling pregnant without being married. He promised to marry me when he gets a better job, but now it's something you'll never hear him talk about. We are living together like this perfect family, mom, dad and son, but marraige is no issue for him. I feel like this perfect housewife, mother, sex-slave and he just can't commit. I always say that you can't be happy when you make someone else unhappy. Can that be the reason why things are like this? His wife blames us for breaking her marraige up, even though i never knew about her existence. I feel second best, used, misserable and like a slafe! Will i always feel like this? Is this my punishment for stealing someone else's husband without me even knowing. She had two miscarrages and hates me for giving him a son. I hate to make her feel like this, but what about me???????
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, maybe it seemed perfect, but that he lied to you about being maried is very far from perfection. EVen if it was true that they are separated and planning a divorce , that was no excuse for him deliberately misleading you. That's nobody's dream man. It wasn't wise for you to have taken no precautions to avoid pregnancy, either --- was that deliberate, perhaps ?
And now you find that his promises to marry you seem to be empty ? He's had all he wanted from you, and apparently strill has it, without needing to get married. It's not that he "can't commit" --- as usual, this actually means that he just doesn't want to commit.
And though I understand very much how you don't want people to judge you for having entered into this predictably unpleasant situation ( you were old enough to know this could happen ), it's not at all true to say that people shouldn't judge you --- they will, and there is no basis for arguing that nobody ought ever to "judge" anyoen else --- mankind has always done so, and always will do so. At least here on the forum you can, while protected by anonymiy, hear what others who actually know you may be saying to each other, and not to you
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