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07 Mar 2003

help very younger lover
Hi must be going crazy or something but I just got involved with a 21yr old boy..I am 40 .I couldn't believe it when he told me that he is only 21 yrs he looks like a 29+- .Yes we became sexually involved but I feel so guilty and so does he but yet we still go to places together and we quite normal like buddies when we do go out with our friends..But when we alone we lay and cuddle .He makes me feel good .But the bad point is my daughter is just turned 19 and thinks that we just very close friends .We made a pact that we will keep this a secret..Do you think that this is normal I mean I could have been his mother..
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear silly me,
Well, "normal" has rather wide boundaries. Isn't the more useful question --- is it wise ? It might be an enjoyable fling ; you don't mention your circumstances ( eg whether still married, if not, how long since you last had a significant relationship ). Have you thought through your emotional responses ? What is it that you both feel guilty about ? Do you feel that either of you is exploiting the other ? ( that's be worth some guilt ). Or do you just believe that a 20 year age gap somehow makes any relationship wrong ? Odd, that if it were the man who was 40, and having an affair with a girl of 21, less people would think it remarkable.
What would be both criminal and immoral between a 30 year old and an 11 year old, isn't necessarily wrong when the ages are 40 and 21.
But there are realistic issues. Ater the first enjoyable phase, there are often wide differences in world-view and expectations between generations, that don't always make such relationships easy. And while you can currently share similar interests and enjoyments, would that be so when you were 60 and he 41 ?
Isn't it perhaps more of a concern that you feel the need to have made a pact to keep this secret from your daughter, and how she would react when she discovered she had been deceived ?
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