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15 Mar 2004

How do I deal with this?
Hi
I've been involved with this guy while he was still going out with this girl but were having problems. I waited patiently for them to break up which he did last december. The girl didn't take the reak-up well as she keeps phoning me and my b/f crying and threatning to kill her self. My b/f says he feels guilty about what he did and i supported him though i used to get jelous when the girl calls him.

Yesterday i found at my b/f house an invoice from the florist where my b/f bought flowers on valentines day to be sent to this girl. I confronted him about it and he said the girl called him and ask for the flowers and she was crying again telling him that she was feeling lonely reminding him on how they used to spend their valentines. I was so angry and frustrated becoz i didn't know about it. He tried to defend himself and ended up saying he is sorry. I told him that we should break up until he learns to deal with his guilty-feelings about this girl and he does not want to.

Now he makes me to feel guilty and telling me that he has done so much for me and when he needs my support i want to break up with him. It's not the first time that he did things for this girl that i don't know about and everytime when i found out he begs me to stay and say he is sorry. I once asked him that if he wants my support he should keep me informed. He says its not easy to talk to me becoz he doesnt know how i will react and he knows that i get stressed when we talk about the girl.

I told him that now i cannot take it anymore and he should deal with this alone. He is refusing to be dumped and says we need to talk. Is there anything that we should talk about now, i have given him enough chance including the months i waited for him to dump the girl which were very stressful. I think i have done enough and now its time for me to move on so as to protect myself from being hurt by him again.

He also suggested that i go with him to visit the girl as she's been involved in a accident last month just to show my sympathy. I dont know what to do, im stressed and feel confused as i feel that he is giving much of his support to this girl. He tries too much to please her everytime she cries to him. I cannot take it anymore, am i right to dumping him or is there hope in this relationship?
Answer 376 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear SV,
Sounds like eeryone is playing guilt games here, and that this awful girl, especially, is engaging in sameless emotional blackmail against him and yourself. The only way to handle this sort of blackmail is to refuse to respond to it. If she is lonely on this Valentine's day, that's entirely her own fault and responsibility --- she needs to find new friends, and not to keep obsessing about a relationship that has ended. and anyway, nobody ought to go overboard in buying into the commercial hype that is Valentine's Day.
Now he is playing emotional blackmail with you. if yo have a relationship with him, and he with you, it is nonsense to ask you to help him woo his Ex, just to make that woman feel better and help him not to feel guilty about her.
As she is his EX, she should not expect him to continue to see her, talk with her, or solve her problems --- otherwise there is nothing Ex about the relationship. You have no duty to feel sympathy for this enormously selfish and greedy girl. And he is no doing her a favour by running to her side every time she calls --- he is actually preventing her from getting on with the rest of her life, and fostering her dependence on him. Everything you say sounds as if he is still far too deeply involved in an ongoing relationship with her, to be able to form any healthy relationship with you. he does need to either return to her and put up with her manipulations, or finally and forever end it with her, and look for a new relationship, whether with you or someone else. But otherwise what he seems to be asking for sounds rather too much like emotional bigamy.
I fully agree with J and Soul on this.
Tell him that it's a misery being in a relationship with him, but from what you've seen, you look forward to being his Ex, as he treats them so well --- and remind him that after the breakup, you'll expect a nice bouquet of flowers next Valentine's Day, and for your Birthday, and Christmas.
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