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08 Aug 2011

How do I tell my family I&#8217 m engaged?
Hi, this probably isn''t a problem that most women have! My boyfriend and I have decided to get married. It’ s the next natural step, although it took years for me to get him to do it. We are going to buy the rings tomorrow. The thing is, I don’ t know how to tell my parents. Obviously the whole family will be expecting it- my step father calls my boyfriend my husband in any case because we’ ve been together for so long. I suppose I am a bit scared that my boyfriend isn’ t serious. It’ s something that we’ ve been talking about lightly for a long time, but I really threw my toys out the cot about it last weekend when friends of ours, that have been dating for a year, got engaged. I think I’ m scared that my boyfriend is just saying it to keep me happy, even though he’ s been telling me that he’ s just scared, he wouldn’ t know what to say, etc, and I’ m going with it because I want it so badly. I don’ t want him to say a year or so down the line that he doesn’ t want to get married anymore (we can’ t afford to get married now, so we’ ll have a long engagement). We already live together, we have pets, this is really just to make it official, plus I want to do the whole wedding thing, and I really want him to be officially my husband instead of just boyfriend. I have been planning colour themes and music for a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time already. I suppose another issue is that his family HATES me. Well, not so much his family as just his mother. I haven’ t spoken to her in nearly 5 years, and I don’ t even know why she dislikes me so much. I’ m not THAT close with my parents, and they disliked my boyfriend in the beginning (it took them years to come around). He’ s my first serious boyfriend has well. Am I making a mistake? I don’ t know! I want it so badly, but I’ m so worried about what my family, and his family, will say.
Answer 390 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

If you've been together for years, and the whole family is expecting it - does there really HAVE to be a problem about telling them ?
If you think he might change his mind, what if you took him with you, and told them he had proposed, in front of them ? Harder for him to back out of without getting embarrassed.
After all this time, do you understand WHY he might be hesitant about this ?
Its a very relevant issue to consider why he'd hesitate to be married to you - not much would change. OK, many women have massive dreams about and decades of planning their WEDDING, which rarely as a day, means as much to men. As maria says, your message sounds more about wedding-lust than marriage as such.
Why would his mother not like you ? Is it the "actually, no living woman out there is good enough for my boy" variety ?
Couldn't he mediate and help the pair of you to talk ? Maybe if it seems to her that YOU have insisted on not talking to her for 5 years, she'd hardly find that endearing.
If you need to know what each family might say, and you don't know already, have you tried asking them ?
Couples counselling might help you both to clarify what's going on, and what isn't.
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