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24 Jun 2011

How to leave someone alone
Dear Cybershrink
I was in a relationship with a man whom I loved a huge amount. Then he told me he wants to move on and be friends only, but I am struggling to accept it. For more than a year I have been pestering him with phone calls and many sms''''s and emails daily. I am currently with the best guy ever and wish I could just move on and enjoy my new life! But somehow I can''t let go of my ex. If I was him I would have gotten a restraining order against me a long time ago. Please help! (Money for councelling is non- existant :-( )
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Sounds like you're clinging insistently to love for the guy you thought he was, love with the idea of the love you imagined you had, none of which was atually real. I think love is most wholesome when it develops more gradually and mutually, rather than when one person suddenly decides they are madly in love with someone who might even be startled to learn that, and who maybe just likes them in a friendly way.
You know, surely, that you will never ever be able to have the relationship you imagine, with him. And if you insist on clinging to these fantasies, you will prevent yourself from having what could become a genuinely better relationship with the guy whom is actually in your life right now.
You must choose. Either live a life with the ghost of "might-have-been", or assign those dreams to the lists of books you never read, and movies you never got to see. Except that this one will not ever be coming out on DVD.
Embrace what actually is, and make the most of real life, rather than indulging in orgies of fake memories. And stop giving yourself negative instructions - don't say "I CAN'T let go", which is entirely self-defeating, and say instead - "I haven'y so far let go, but I can and must and will do so. "
Don't allow yourself to make contact with him. Treat this like an obsession - whenever the soppy ideas about him arise, slap them away like annanoying mosquito buzzing round your head, and fix your attention on something else.
And try to find a way to get professional help for what sounds like possible OCD, and probably at least an obsessive personality disorder creating problems for you
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