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06 Feb 2004

Husband married 2nd wife and confesses he loves me more than ever
We have been married with 3 kids (19, 13, 7) for 20 years. Things has been difficult for the past 2 years. He left a stable position, tried new ventures (all of this while not discussing or sharing anything with me). The changes in him and our relationship at first scared me but I gave him the space but we did not deal with our problem. We both shut down - I thought this was male menopause and everyone was entitled to make a crazy move for once in your life. We drifted apart during the past 2 years (no communication, no family gatherings/birthdays, no sharing of meals or anything else). He filled for a legal divorce, wanted to sell the property etc. (the divorce has been final since Sept 2003 and we settled out of court). I took over the mortage. During this time, we were faced to deal with our problems and strangely enough started communicating, particularly looking at the best interest of the kids. We got intimate again as we are still married in our church and started trying to work it out. Communication is painfully slow from his part - maybe I am expecting too much too soon? I feel that I am once again like throughout our marriage, making things easy for him, admitting to my faults, apologizing, trying very hard to please him, etc. Even stopping my exercise class because he doesn't approve of it. But in Aug 2003 he married a 2nd wife (being a customary marriage) and only gave me 10 days to disgest it (I still don't know how long he was seeing her and more importantly how much she means to him). I have not seen his other wife since 22 years ago -she is his best friends older sister.

I feel I am going crazy hanging on. At first I made myself believe that I am hanging on because of our kids - marriage is sacred, etc. but am afraid I am falling in love again with him.
I have asked/begged him to move out for while (1 month, 3 months, 1 year) whatever it takes so that he can make up his mind. All he says is that his heart is with me and the kids, that I must be more patient...
The most important thing I'm struggling with is that my 2 sons (aged 19 & 7) are extremely attached to their father. The little one wakes up at night crying for his dad, he is afraid to being alone even during daylight. The eldest son worries a lot and often if I go quiet (begs me not to give up). My daughter (13) has on more than one occasion told me that she does not believe it is going to work because her dad 'controls' her and I (not supposed to do scouts or swimming, not to go to gym, etc.) must ask permission to visit my parents, etc.

As desparate as I am - I realize that something drastic must happen. I am not myself and allow him to 'control' me (do not wear that, ask permission).

What must I do. Legally I can put him out - but knowing him, the first thing he'll do is tell the kids that I am the one that is breaking up the family. I actually believe that if I do this, I will be doing him an extreme favour.

Please help.

Answer 387 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Anyone of us can make mistakes. But within a marriage, we're not supposed to make major mistakes on our own, which is one of the major mistakes he made. Surely the children are old enough, and aware enough of all his faults and failings, to know that it would not be your fault that this relationship was ended --- HE moved away from you, HE filed for divorce, and HE is now divorced from you, He married another woman, and He is using the excuse of continuing contact with you to massage his ego by trying to control you and your daughter. I don't hear any trace of benefit to you and the children by remaining in this relationship with him.
If it is safe for you to do so ( otherwise call POWA for advice and specific help on leaving an abuser, and getting a court order to compel him to leave you alone ) Tell him you are divorced, and his opinion as to what you should wear or do is tiotally uninteresting to you, and you will not ask him permission about anything whatsoever. Slavery was abolished some years ago, and you have a full range of basic rights, none of which is he allowed to impair in any way.
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