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26 Nov 2012

I am so down in the dumps. I hate myself, how I look, how I am. This is effecting my relationship as well I think. I have gone a size up (from 10 to 12), even though I watch what I eat and go to gym, but I guess it is not consistent enough, as a working mother it is hard to keep consistent with what I need for me. I feel like I am not getting enough attention from my husband and feels like he doesnt care. He teases and laughs with other people/women and when I tell him it bothers me, he just gets upset with me and sulks, doesn''t try and make me feel better! So i never feel like going anywhere or doing anything because I feel fat and disgusting and I dont know how my husband feels about me and I dont feel secure. I know I need to fix me and my thoughts but I dont know how? I cannot and wont take anti depressants as these give me anxiety and panic attacks. And my smoking is bothering me too, I want to stop but am so scared, I keep thinking i must not have another cig but then I do, then I smoke more cause I stress about that. Also how can I stop, then I will gain weight, which is what is bothering me now!!!!
Answer 264 views

01 Jan 0001

OK, you're today's prize-winner for low self-esteem and low self-confidence. But these are very fixable and essentially temporary handicaps, created by your own choice of attitude towards yourself. Your husband. and perhaps other people, may be less likely to show attention to someone so profoundly negative about themselves, and its hard for them to like someone who so chooses to dislike herself.
Essentially, it is your own task and responsibility, with the help of a counsellor if necessary, to make yourself happy - other people, spouses included, are not Court jesters who are supposed to make us happy.
You may be, at this stage, heavier than you once were, and heavier than you wish to be, but that isn't disgusting, though that seems to be how you currently choose to regard it.
This is where the methods of Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ( CBT ) work so well, by helping you to learn to evaluate and revise your own bad habits of thought and reaction.
It doesn't sound as though you are talking about a true Depression ( though of course there are manyunpleasant ways to Be, that arent depression ), so I don't think antidepressants are what would be likely to help.
You seem to be swimming in negative assumptions. "My smoking is bad for me - but if I stop smoking, I WILL gain weight, and anyhow I cant stop smoking" You COULD stop, you don't HAVE to gain weight if you do, and so on.
Stop just waiting for magic, for change to arrive, like a sudden thunder-storm. Start behaving as though the changes have begun. Wear the least ghastly clothes you think you have ( they cant all be equally horrible !)- approach people as though you are attractive and pleasant and you will be thus.
Explore various ways to stop smoking AS THOUGH you could stop and stay stopped ; get proper advice on how to maintain and lose weight when you stop smoking, instead of assuming its opeless and inevitable that you will gain weight.

Consider seeing a counsellor to work directly on shifting these negative assumptions you are presently clinging to so fiercely. You will be surprised at how far you can change for the better.
Find ways to spend enjoyable times with your husband instead of assuming he must find you unattractive, and you will become increasingly attractive.
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